Wow, a lot has happened since I last wrote.
Well, actually not that much has happened, just one big thing.
I had my heart broken. Not that you should really care. And I'm sure that once I've grieved and had time to get over it, I'll write a nice lengthy post about the things I've learned and whatnot. Buuuut I'm not there yet ;)
I'm still a little salty.
And even though heartbreak freaking SUCKS, there are many good things that can come out of it if you let them. I'm starting this new chapter in my life and taking time to pursue me and the things I love. I have time and energy and love to give the wonderful people I haven't seen in a long time. So there's something good that's come out of my heartbreak. And the wonderful thing about heartbreak to a creative person like myself, is that it is a never-ending pot of literary inspiration :) So here's a poem I whipped up today (one of many that seem to be swirling around in my head lately).
I began using a new concept for this piece. Instead of using a rhyme scheme, I chose to use words that have multiple meanings. This expresses in a way how something can look one way from one angle, and then be totally different from a different angle (kind of like my relationship.... :P). There are positive and negative sides to everything: situations, people, and words.
Two Sides
Your callous hands held my heart
Your callous heart broke it
Heartless you were with my feelings
Heart-less I am now without one
Your cold fingers stroked my arm
Your cold heart twisted it
Your cleaving gave me hope
But your cleaving brought me despair
Your heated passion held me close
Your heated temper pushed me away
You were careless then with my emotions
I couldn't care less now if you're hurting
Your available shoulder caught my tears
Your cold shoulder caused them
Meaningless were my words to you
Yours are meaning less to me every day
Your sharp wit caused us to cut up
Your sharp tongue cut up my heart
Dashing, once, I thought you were
Dashing my hopes, you were at last
Thursday, May 29, 2014
Tuesday, May 20, 2014
Helplessly Dependent (on Christ)
I'm realizing I need to do more things for myself. Not out of selfishness, but really, I just need to take care of myself and my feelings.
You see, lately I've struggled with independence. The funny thing is, I've always been very independent from my parents - I always did my own laundry, made my own food, dealt with my own schedule, drove myself where I needed to go, took care of problems at school/work by myself, etc. - but when it comes to good friends or love interests, I'm highly dependent.
I've talked about this before, but again I've fallen into the trap of putting my happiness in the hands of those that will never be able to fully satisfy me. Because people can't give me the satisfaction like Jesus can. He's the only one who can make me feel worthy of love and life. So why do I keep relying on others to make me feel worthy? Because as humans, we crave the approval of others. I just hate that I've let myself come to this point.
My problem is I fall really hard. I fall in love really hard. I fall into friendships really hard. When I find someone I connect to, I can't help but feel attached to them in a crazy way, because it's rare that someone understands me so completely, so when I find that person, I don't want to let go. The problem with that is I end up being a bit possessive. It's a character flaw I've had to deal with my whole life. Maybe some of you can relate. But I've always been a bit of the jealous type, and that coupled with my insecurity has left a whole mess of fights and inner turmoil. When a friend doesn't reach out to me first, I start thinking that they don't want to hang out - that they some how hate me all of a sudden. It's only worse when that friend is a boyfriend. Because when we're apart, my mind goes crazy (see last post, lol), and I start over-thinking everything. But after a recent discussion, I've realized that I have an unhealthy dependence on someone who cannot take the place of Jesus. He's not perfect, he can't be there all the time, he can't satisfy my cravings for unconditional love. He's only human. And when I came to this realization, I knew what had to be done.
I have to put all of myself in Jesus. As I told a friend, for a moment I thought I was going to lose this special person, and that scared the crap out of me because I realized I had put so much of myself into them, that if I lost them, I would be losing a huge chunk of myself. I need to put all of me into Jesus so that no matter what happens, I will always be complete in Him.
So, back to my original point: I need to start doing more things for myself.
Instead of constantly thinking about the people I love (which isn't always a bad thing, but when my mind is focused on one person, obsessively, it's a problem), I need to spend time with my First Love and grow in my relationship with Him. I need to invest in the other great friendships that have lasted through years and trials. I need to go to the gym with my gym buddies and take care of myself physically. Really, during this transition time, I need distractions to remind myself that I am more than just one relationship. But in the end, I really am just one relationship, only it's the one I have with Jesus, not one here on earth.
As this wise man told me, "I am not the center of your life, and if I am, then something is wrong."
.....Boy, did that hit home. Because he reminded me that Christ has to be the center of my life, and lately, He hasn't been. But starting right now I want Him to. You guys hold me accountable :)
Anyway, I share all of this to maybe give you hope. Your identity is found in no one else but Christ. I feel like this has become a recurring theme in my blog... guess it's a lesson I keep having to learn. Maybe one day it'll stick.
So invest in your relationship with Christ. Invest in your relationship with yourself. Stop feeding yourself the lies of how awful you think you are. Listen to those around you who love you. They're telling the truth when they say you're smart, talented, and beautiful. But if you're relying on those people to make you feel smart, talented, and beautiful, you'll never feel such. You have to believe it for yourself and trust what God has already said about you in His word.
If you find yourself, as I have, obsessively focusing on one person or one relationship, try to avert your attention to the One who made you and loves everything about you. That text does not need to be sent right now. If they don't respond, it doesn't mean they hate you. Don't let yourself be consumed by the never-ending need to be reaffirmed by others of your worth.
Geez, will I ever come to a conclusion? (Almost there.)
This morning was the first day of my "big change." The beginning of my commitment. I was feeling really poopy and just needed to hide my nose in my bible (which I'll probably do again after I finish up here). As I looked for some encouraging words from Daddy, I ran across this passage:
Alright, I guess I'm finally concluding. I need to do more for myself and take care of my heart, because it's God's and I have no right to go ripping up and tossing out pieces of His property.
Take care of yourself today. Do something nice for yourself that will help you love yourself and love God. In the end, that's all that's left, so invest right now in the only eternal relationship you'll have. <3
You see, lately I've struggled with independence. The funny thing is, I've always been very independent from my parents - I always did my own laundry, made my own food, dealt with my own schedule, drove myself where I needed to go, took care of problems at school/work by myself, etc. - but when it comes to good friends or love interests, I'm highly dependent.
I've talked about this before, but again I've fallen into the trap of putting my happiness in the hands of those that will never be able to fully satisfy me. Because people can't give me the satisfaction like Jesus can. He's the only one who can make me feel worthy of love and life. So why do I keep relying on others to make me feel worthy? Because as humans, we crave the approval of others. I just hate that I've let myself come to this point.
My problem is I fall really hard. I fall in love really hard. I fall into friendships really hard. When I find someone I connect to, I can't help but feel attached to them in a crazy way, because it's rare that someone understands me so completely, so when I find that person, I don't want to let go. The problem with that is I end up being a bit possessive. It's a character flaw I've had to deal with my whole life. Maybe some of you can relate. But I've always been a bit of the jealous type, and that coupled with my insecurity has left a whole mess of fights and inner turmoil. When a friend doesn't reach out to me first, I start thinking that they don't want to hang out - that they some how hate me all of a sudden. It's only worse when that friend is a boyfriend. Because when we're apart, my mind goes crazy (see last post, lol), and I start over-thinking everything. But after a recent discussion, I've realized that I have an unhealthy dependence on someone who cannot take the place of Jesus. He's not perfect, he can't be there all the time, he can't satisfy my cravings for unconditional love. He's only human. And when I came to this realization, I knew what had to be done.
I have to put all of myself in Jesus. As I told a friend, for a moment I thought I was going to lose this special person, and that scared the crap out of me because I realized I had put so much of myself into them, that if I lost them, I would be losing a huge chunk of myself. I need to put all of me into Jesus so that no matter what happens, I will always be complete in Him.
So, back to my original point: I need to start doing more things for myself.
Instead of constantly thinking about the people I love (which isn't always a bad thing, but when my mind is focused on one person, obsessively, it's a problem), I need to spend time with my First Love and grow in my relationship with Him. I need to invest in the other great friendships that have lasted through years and trials. I need to go to the gym with my gym buddies and take care of myself physically. Really, during this transition time, I need distractions to remind myself that I am more than just one relationship. But in the end, I really am just one relationship, only it's the one I have with Jesus, not one here on earth.
As this wise man told me, "I am not the center of your life, and if I am, then something is wrong."
.....Boy, did that hit home. Because he reminded me that Christ has to be the center of my life, and lately, He hasn't been. But starting right now I want Him to. You guys hold me accountable :)
Anyway, I share all of this to maybe give you hope. Your identity is found in no one else but Christ. I feel like this has become a recurring theme in my blog... guess it's a lesson I keep having to learn. Maybe one day it'll stick.
So invest in your relationship with Christ. Invest in your relationship with yourself. Stop feeding yourself the lies of how awful you think you are. Listen to those around you who love you. They're telling the truth when they say you're smart, talented, and beautiful. But if you're relying on those people to make you feel smart, talented, and beautiful, you'll never feel such. You have to believe it for yourself and trust what God has already said about you in His word.
If you find yourself, as I have, obsessively focusing on one person or one relationship, try to avert your attention to the One who made you and loves everything about you. That text does not need to be sent right now. If they don't respond, it doesn't mean they hate you. Don't let yourself be consumed by the never-ending need to be reaffirmed by others of your worth.
Geez, will I ever come to a conclusion? (Almost there.)
This morning was the first day of my "big change." The beginning of my commitment. I was feeling really poopy and just needed to hide my nose in my bible (which I'll probably do again after I finish up here). As I looked for some encouraging words from Daddy, I ran across this passage:
"Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength." Deuteronomy 6:5I have read this verse all my life, but it finally hit home today. God requires my everything. If I'm giving part of my heart away to a person, whether it's my boyfriend, best friend, or family member, I can't give God my whole heart. I have to love Him with everything I have, so I have to hold onto all my heart, all my soul, and all my strength so I can give it to Jesus. I can't give away parts of myself so flippantly. Lately, I've been putting so much energy into an unhealthily obsessive relationship, and that's not going to do any good. I need to use that energy, the passion, loyalty, and crazy love that I have to grow closer to the One who is the only one who can reciprocate those feelings, and a thousand fold.
Alright, I guess I'm finally concluding. I need to do more for myself and take care of my heart, because it's God's and I have no right to go ripping up and tossing out pieces of His property.
Take care of yourself today. Do something nice for yourself that will help you love yourself and love God. In the end, that's all that's left, so invest right now in the only eternal relationship you'll have. <3
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