This world can be a very lonely and isolating place.
At times, you can feel like no one understands you; you don't belong; you're alone.
So, when you find someone who actually "gets" you, you cling so tightly.
When you discover someone in this world and you actually understand each other, you both feel an obligation to be in each other's life. I believe this is because of a sense of belonging. You go around your whole life, wondering if anyone will truly relate to you, and then when you find that, it seems like a miracle! You never thought anyone could be so kindred. You feel like you have to be close; it would be such a waste to let someone like that slip by.
However, just because someone gets you for the first time, doesn't mean that they need to be in your life forever. Over time, you may begin to see that you're going separate ways, or you're changing, or the relationship just isn't healthy. That's when you need to pull the plug. We hold onto those people because we feel like, "Oh my gosh, this is someone who understands me in a deeper way. We can talk about anything; I can't let that go. What if I never find that again?" But in reality, we're suffering.
The relationship (friendship, dating, or otherwise) can be harmful, but we push that aside because "how can I let go of my kindred spirit?" But obligation is no reason to continue a relationship that is no longer helpful, but painful. When it gets to the point that you're both hurting, but holding onto each other because of a sense of mutual understanding, or obligation to one another, your relationship is no longer an asset. Rather, it's a burden. It's a weight. You cling to it out of duty, but not out of compassion.
I guess I could explain my reason for all of this. I was going to try to keep my personal life out of this, but I think it's obvious I'm speaking from a specific viewpoint.
I had a friend. From the get-go, we both were drawn to each other because we understood each other in a way neither of us had experienced before. It was a fantastic feeling, knowing that I could tell a person something, and have them receive it and comprehend it. We told each other everything. And I mean everything. There were no boundaries when it came to conversation topics. We shared embarrassing stories, dumb jokes (which it appears no one got but us), but we also shared intimate struggles that we didn't talk about with anyone else.
However, after ups and downs, constant fights and makeups, a whole mess of a roller coaster, we realized that this friendship wasn't working. We had both grown and changed, and what we each needed from the relationship was very different. We made each other feel terrible by needing things the other couldn't give and a gradual distancing due to changes in priorities, values, and ideals. Sure we still had great times together and enjoyed each other's company, but every week we had the same old fight, and it was exhausting.
For months after the relationship turned sour, we held onto that friendship out of a sense of obligation. We both also liked having someone to talk to who could kind of "get it." We knew so much about each other and had always understood each other so well, but the relationship wasn't healthy. I think we couldn't let go because we were scared. At least for me, I was afraid to lose someone who actually understood me. Remember what I said: This world is a lonely and isolating place. I felt like I had found "my person," so how could I let that go? I was scared that no one else will come along and get me like that, and I was willing to suffer for the sake of holding onto someone who really knew me, but treated me poorly.
Eventually, we both had to realize that we're not good friends for each other. And it's not to say that we don't care a ton about the other, but we're at different places in our lives, needing different things, focusing on different things, and if two people don't have the same finish line, it's hard to run the race together. So we officially went our separate ways.
It's been hard.
A lot of times, when this world is impressing on me with its isolating effects, I miss my best friend. But then I remember that a best friend is one you keep because they love you and encourage you and help you in your life, not one you keep out of a fear of being alone and misunderstood.
So, I urge you: if you're holding onto a relationship that is causing you pain, solely because you feel like it's your duty to be with someone who thinks the same way you do, let go. It's scary, but trust me, both of you are hurting because you're not in it for the right reasons.
Release the bonds, loose the chains, and break off this fear-induced obligation to someone who's hurting you, and is hurting because of you.
