I've been single for just over a year now, and boy has it been a journey. As I look back over the past year, I'm initially disappointed that I'm not where I'd hoped that I would be by now. However, as I look further into my emotional life and reflect on the state I was in a year ago, I'm amazed at how far I've come. True, I'm not where I thought I would be emotionally, but I am miles ahead of the wreck I was last year. I've made a lot of mistakes in navigating this first year of singleness post-heartbreak, but I have learned dozens of lessons which I plan to implement in the coming year.
Anyway, enough blabbering :P
I want to share with you the freedom I have found in singleness.
I'm not talking about the freedom to go crazy on the weekends and hookup with whomever you want. (Screw the "Single and ready to mingle!" mentality.) No, I'm talking about the spiritual, emotional, and physical freedom that is only possible in singleness. Now, I'll be honest: this past year, I have not been truly single. Meaning, I haven't implemented my emotional freedom, and I've let ties and chains hold me back from true liberation and growth. However, I have vowed to utilize this next year of singleness to my single benefit. I am so excited to explore these areas of freedom as a part of my journey in growth and discovery as a single woman!
I was talking with a friend the other day, and I told her how I used to be glued to my phone. And I think this is the case with many people my age in relationships. From the moment I got up, to when I finally said goodnight after staying up way too late on Facebook chat, I was texting/messaging my S.O. It became a security blanket. A crutch, if you will. Somehow, just texting someone validated my existence. I wanted to feel wanted. And knowing that there was someone who wanted to talk to me all day made me feel special and important.
But this turned unhealthy. I craved those messages. I was on my phone 24/7, always ready to respond. When my S.O. was busy or didn't text me, I grew insecure. See, I had put my validation in a text message, and therefore, when I didn't get one, I felt worthless. It's silly, I know. But love does stupid things to our brains.
All this to say, I have grown miles in this area. It took a long time for the "withdrawals" to subside, but, despite several relapses, I grew to not be dependent on another person's attention/communication in order to feel worth. These days, I hardly text at all, and I'm fine. I haven't had a steady "someone" to text constantly since last year, and I'll tell ya, it's not as bad as I thought. It's funny: just the other day, I saw a tweet from a year ago that said "I haven't texted my former fave in 2 days and I'm actually doing alright." See, at the time, that was a huge deal. Like giving up an addiction cold turkey, cutting off communication with my "validation-source" was physically painful. Those two days were so hard. But it got better.
Unlike the girl I was last year, I don't have to be glued to my phone because I'm not anxiously waiting for it to buzz. And I don't have to report to anyone, and always make sure I respond right away. Frankly, I think any healthy relationship would have this sort of freedom, but that's just not the situation I was in, unfortunately (and most of that is due to my immaturity at the time).
And I can go to bed when I want!!! It is so amazing to just be tired and fall asleep watching TV, or reading a book, without any hindrance. I used to stay up far past my bed time, not wanting to say goodbye, and drowsily keep a text conversation going. Sometimes, I would be so tired, that I would even doze off, only to be awoken by the buzz of my phone. Why did I keep up this unhealthy habit??? Ha, I remember how I used to accidentally fall asleep while texting my S.O., only to wake up at 3am and see some message to which I failed to respond. I would then rant and ramble on about whatever I was thinking about at the time, knowing he would see it when he woke up. Ugh, it almost makes me barf now, haha. But I no longer have this constant other someone to keep up with and give each other this false sense of "connection." Shoot, if I wanna fall asleep at 10pm while watching Arrested Development with the lights still on, I CAN. Okay, maybe not the best plug for singleness, but you get the point.
Man is it liberating to not have to think about someone else before you make every decision. Now, I'm aware of how self-centered and selfish that sounds, but it's true! There is a unique freedom found only in singleness in that you are responsible solely for yourself. No longer do I have to check in with my S.O. to make plans and such. I can do what I want when I want without having to worry about another person's schedule! One schedule is enough to keep up with, thank you very much.
I also feel like I'm not walking on eggshells anymore. See, I wasn't in the healthiest of relationships (as you can probably tell from reading my blog, haha), and I was incredibly insecure throughout the whole thing. I wasn't convinced that I was enough or that he would stick around, and I was subsequently always scared that if I said something wrong, or caused a problem/fight, that he would be fed up and leave. Of course, all of this was completely irrational, but that's how I felt at the time. In my singleness, I have found the freedom to express myself how I see fit, and address issues with those around me without fear of losing that friendship/relationship! Even as I've since communicated with my former S.O., I have found the freedom to speak my mind where I formerly was afraid to. I no longer have to kiss anyone's butt, and I therefore can stand up for myself where I see fit. This is an incredible feeling.
One place I really wish I'd exercised my single freedom is in my emotional life. I have let emotional ties hold me back from moving on and growing. By dwelling on the past, I prevented myself from moving forward. However, I have made progress (I notice this especially when I reflect on how I was when I first became single and the shambles I was in then), and I'm proud of the chains I've managed to break. I glance at the remaining chains and I look forward to breaking them apart, piece by piece, until they finally fall behind me altogether and I can walk in true, emotional liberation. I'm workin' on it ;)
In being single, I've also seen my spiritual life grow tremendously. Now, I didn't really make it a priority right away, but over the past year, I have certainly developed in my relationship with Christ. In all honesty, He's the only reason I've somewhat made it through the past year. The height of my freedom is found in my relationship with the Great Liberator. I'm not defined by who I was last year, or the mistakes I've made in the year since. And wow is that freeing!
Singleness gives us the unique opportunity to cling to God and let Him fill every crevice of our lives, where with a S.O., some of those areas of our heart could be occupied. I know this isn't the case for everyone, but at least for me, being in a relationship is a distraction from my first love. It's in singleness that I've been able to see how deeply unsatisfying earthly pleasures are, and how much I crave the love that only my savior can give me!
Singleness is bashed in a lot of senses, but there are some very specific and unique benefits to singleness that can change you for the better if you use your time of singlehood wisely. There is so much freedom in being an independent individual fully dependent on Christ alone. I used to text another human being in search of my self-worth until I would accidentally fall asleep. Now, the last thing I do before I go to bed is write letters to my savior and talk to the maker of the universe.
That's what I call freedom.
