Sweet But Short

Short and sweet,
Sweet but short
Love at last
Or a last resort?

Friends forever
But never friends
True love lasts
Until true love ends

Keep it simple
Simply a mess
Love from the heart
Causes heart stress

Two peas in a pod
Mind your own Qs and Ps
Easy to love
Yet let go with ease

Heaven-made match
Matches hell's heat
Queen to his king
Or king of deceit?

Hopeless romantic
Hopeful doubter
Voices speak words
Actions speak louder

Love is blind
Blind leads another
Attached at the hip
Disattached brother

Live to love
Love, yet live
The best gift
You'll never give

Identity Crisis

The other day, I was exploring on my YouVersion Bible app (Side note: Can we just mention how sucky it's been since the latest update?! Anyway....) and I discovered a note I had made in February. At the time, I was going through a series on loneliness and had just read Isaiah 43:1-3,5. I wrote this note before any of the major drama in my life occurred (all the crap you've been reading about over the last two months or so), and it astounds me just how relevant it is to me right now. Here is, word-for-word, what the note said:

My identity is not found in a man, my friends, my family, my teachers, my grades, my hobbies; my identity is found in Christ alone. He has redeemed me and I am HIS! I will not fear for what the future holds, for God's timing is perfect in all things and he will take care of my every need. God I give you control. Rip it from me because in my own hands, my life is a mess. Only you can make my life right. Take control in my life and have your way with me. Thank you for redeeming me. I love you.

Wow. See, at the time, I was dealing with the rejection of a boy I had fallen super hard for (huh, kind seems relevant, at the moment ;). And again, this lesson I had to keep learning, over and over again, was that my identity is not found in others. My happiness cannot be dependent on others. My worth is not based on others! My identity is found in Christ. And, once again, I've recently fallen into the pit of forgetting that the only way for me to be truly satisfied is for me to run to Jesus and lay my burdens and my life at his feet.

So many times I find myself trying to find my identity in things other than Christ, and I think many people these days struggle with that as well. I try to base my identity in the boy I'm with (or not with), or the people I hang out with. I try to find solace in grasping the things I like, claiming they are what make me who I am. I desperately try to get good grades and take pride in my hard work and accomplishments, thinking that my identity is found in my being a good student. But really, all of that doesn't matter. Sure it's important to be proud of your hard work, to love your friends, and enjoy certain things that make you unique, but if you are running to those things in order to find yourself, you will only run deeper and deeper into the woods until you realize you are more lost than you were to begin with.

So it was really refreshing to read this little reminder from my past self. The God of the universe holds me in His hands :) People will let me down, they will hurt me more than they'll ever know; Men will break my heart, friends will betray me, family will grow distant, teachers will persecute me. Earthly pleasures and prides will fade; My grades won't matter in ten years, no one will care that I got straight A's in high school, I won't be able to play the sports I like, I'll lose interest in the artists I like now, the hobbies I have will become dull and pointless in time. The point is, none of the things I try so desperately to place my identity in will last. And if I'm finding my identity in things that will fade, what happens to me when they're gone?

That's why I have to remind myself to find my identity in Christ.
As much as I'm a broken-hearted girl, a single lady, theatre geek, English nerd, Phantom of the Opera fanatic, three-musketeer, Barbra Streisand listener, Billy Joel lover, home schooler, got-my-associates-with-a-4.0-while-still-in-high-school - er, I am a child of God first. Without Him, I wouldn't have been able to do or enjoy any of the things I've listed here. Without Him, my life is a mess. Granted, with Him, sometimes my life is a mess, but that's because sometimes I try to take control. And then He's always there with forgiving, open arms to clean it all up when I finally realize that I can't do squat on my own.

So, no matter what you may identify with, remember that your identity is found in the one who will never let you down, never fade away, and NEVER forget about you. As long as you give Him the reigns and completely surrender control, He'll never steer you wrong. <3

Post-Breakup in the 21st Century

And every time I hear my phone buzz, 

I secretly hope it's you.

And 100 "likes" but none from you 

might as well be one or two.

I still check my chat every once in a while, 

just to see if you're online.

Wondering who you're up talking to, 

when that face you're lookin at ain't mine.

And every time I hear a similar voice, 

my heart skips a beat.

And when I see you in the distance, 

my face can't hide the heat.

Every time I see you post online, 

my chest pounds with anxiety.

I hope my posts do the same to you, 

though that might be impropriety

I search your name but never follow, 

just to see what you've updated.

Yet I expect you to like and comment 

though most of your words I've hated.

And every time I hear a metal song, 

I feel slightly sick inside.

And all the things you introduced me to 

are ruined by my pride.

Even still, when this boy is texting me, 

I wish it were my former boo.

I can't call anyone else my angel, 

cause that title was always just for you.

A notification, and I feel 

my subconscious hope begin to rise.

It'll never be from whom I want it to be, 

still I look with wishful eyes.

A buzz, a beep, a bell, a boing 

- remind me I'm not over us.

I'm tired of wishing you still acted friendly, 

when all I do is fuss.

And every time I listen to Lullabye, 

I'm reminded of you-know-who.

Sweet memories used to lull me to sleep, 

now I stay up missing you.

You'll update your status, 

perhaps it's something I should like.

Maybe if you see my name, 

in your chest you'll feel a strike.

Sometimes I remember the hurt 

and your name brings up the hatefulness.

Other times I reflect on sweet moments and 

my heart somehow fills with gratefulness.

And every time I hear my phone buzz, 

I secretly hope it's you.

Please just like my silly post; 

I really hope you do.

I'm Broken Inside...

One of the wonderful quirks that God has blessed me with is that I randomly think of song lyrics to songs I haven't even heard in a really long time. I think this is one way I'm able to cope with situations because usually, when in a stressful or painful situation, a verse from an old worship song will pop in my head and I'm able to praise God and ask for His help right in that moment.

Yesterday was no different. I was at work, kind of having a rough time and dealing with some awkward cold-sholderness from a coworker. And as I've mentioned recently, I've been dealing with some personal issues and difficult situations. I was standing at the register during a lull between customers when a song popped into my head. It's one song that frequently comes to mind when I need the Lord's guidance. It expressed just what I was feeling that night. I began singing in my head:

Give me strength to trust what you say:
That you're good, and your love is great.
I'm broken inside-

But then I struggled to remember the next line. I re-sang the chorus and tried to think of the next part: I'm broken inside.....I need you tonight? I need your life? None of that fit.
Finally, after singing it over and over again, the lyric came to me:

I'm broken inside, I give you my life.

As soon as I heard those words, the Lord's voice hit my like a ton of bricks.
This is exactly what I do when I'm in trouble: I express my pain - I'm broken inside - and then I try to beg God to fix it. In my head, the next part to that line was me telling God I need him to mend my heart. And while it's perfectly okay to express your extreme need for Christ, it's not always about just requesting his help on the spot.
When your heart is broken and you feel crushed inside, it's time to take your life and hand it over to Christ.
We cannot fix our pain by trying to do it ourselves and asking God to give us what we need while we handle it in our own way. We have to completely surrender our control over the situation to him. And man did I need to hear that. Lately, with all that's been going on, I've been trying to take things into my own hands and fix the situation. I've been crying out to God saying, "I need your peace of mind, I need your wisdom, I need your strength, I need your life, I need you tonight" all the while, still clutching the reigns. When instead, I should have said, "Here I am, God. Here are my broken pieces. Here's my crumbling heart. Here is this painful and confusing situation. I give my life to you. Take it, fix it, do what you want with it because I can't handle it on my own."
See, recovering from our brokenness is less about asking God to give us what we need, and more about letting go of what little we have so that he can restore us to ten thousand fold what we would be able to achieve on our own.
God, give me the strength to trust what you say; to trust what you're doing in my life, whether I understand it or not.
You have told me time and time again that you are good and know what's best for me. Your love goes beyond words and no matter what, you will take care of me.
God, I am so broken inside; I have been hurt, crushed, and my life is in shambles. I'm falling apart and falling down at your feet. I give you my life, take these pieces, take what little I have been trying to hold onto and make me whole again.

I'm broken inside...I give you my life.

 

Mathematics of a Shakespearean Sonnet

I did this little project for my math class, but I thought it was worth sharing. It's actually incredibly interesting. The task was to find the mathematics behind a Shakespearean Sonnet.

           This study of Shakespeare's sonnets was of extreme interest to me. I love poetry, both reading and writing it. I had no idea there was such a mathematical formula behind Shakespeare's work and it's fascinating to see how strict it is. I am also awed by the difficulty level that it creates. As someone who has frequently written poems, I understand that rhyme schemes are sometimes difficult to follow. Such a strict one, coupled with the strict iambic pentameter consisting of a certain set of syllables, would certainly be too difficult for me to follow. I really enjoyed finding the mathematics behind Shakespeare's sonnets and perhaps I will attempt to use them sometime in the near future.

           Shakespeare's sonnets have a unique and distinct pattern throughout them. One might not think of poetry as having mathematical characteristics, but these sonnets certainly do. The pattern Shakespeare uses is ruled strictly by numbers. These sets of numbers add character to the poem, while also making the writing process much more difficult because they set harsh guidelines that the writer must work around. Luckily, these boundaries were not a problem for Shakespeare, as he wrote 154 sonnets using the exact same mathematical pattern.

           Each sonnet contains fourteen lines. For the first twelve lines, they rhyme every other line, with the last two rhyming with each other. The rhyme scheme is as follows: abab cdcd efef gg. This puts the lines in groupings of 4, 4, 4, and 2. Such a rhyme scheme is used to put emphasis on the last two lines; usually a shocking conclusion.

            Another numeric pattern within Shakespeare's sonnets occurs within the lines themselves. The rhythmic pattern used is known as iambic pentameter. An iamb is a metrical foot consisting of one unstressed syllable, and one stressed syllable. The lines are pentameters because they each contain five of these iambs. So, within each line, Shakespeare has ten syllables, five stressed and five unstressed, creating five iambs that complete the pentameter.

            If one looks deep enough, they can find the numbers behind anything. Poetry is certainly no different. Shakespeare's sonnets have a distinct pattern, ruled by numbers and a strict poetic formula. Such numeric restrictions result in beautiful poetry that flows effortlessly and entices the reader.

Sonnet: L(lines) S(syllable) I(iamb) P(pentameter)

            10S = 5I = 1P = 1L     1I = {2S}        1P = {5I, 10S}             1Sonnet = {14L, 14P}

             

            nS = nL X (nI X 2)     or         nS = nP X 10

"Shakespeare, Mathematics & The Sonnets." No Sweat Shakespeare. N.p., n.d. Web. 4 June 2014. <http://www.nosweatshakespeare.com/shakespeare-mathematics-the-sonnets/>.

"Shakespeare's Sonnets By William Shakespeare About Shakespeare's Sonnets." About Shakespeare's Sonnets. N.p., n.d. Web. 4 June 2014. <http://www.cliffsnotes.com/ literature/s/shakespeares-sonnets/about-shakespeares-sonnets>.