The Freedom of Singleness

I've been single for just over a year now, and boy has it been a journey. As I look back over the past year, I'm initially disappointed that I'm not where I'd hoped that I would be by now. However, as I look further into my emotional life and reflect on the state I was in a year ago, I'm amazed at how far I've come. True, I'm not where I thought I would be emotionally, but I am miles ahead of the wreck I was last year. I've made a lot of mistakes in navigating this first year of singleness post-heartbreak, but I have learned dozens of lessons which I plan to implement in the coming year.
Anyway, enough blabbering :P

I want to share with you the freedom I have found in singleness.
I'm not talking about the freedom to go crazy on the weekends and hookup with whomever you want. (Screw the "Single and ready to mingle!" mentality.) No, I'm talking about the spiritual, emotional, and physical freedom that is only possible in singleness. Now, I'll be honest: this past year, I have not been truly single. Meaning, I haven't implemented my emotional freedom, and I've let ties and chains hold me back from true liberation and growth. However, I have vowed to utilize this next year of singleness to my single benefit. I am so excited to explore these areas of freedom as a part of my journey in growth and discovery as a single woman!

I was talking with a friend the other day, and I told her how I used to be glued to my phone. And I think this is the case with many people my age in relationships. From the moment I got up, to when I finally said goodnight after staying up way too late on Facebook chat, I was texting/messaging my S.O. It became a security blanket. A crutch, if you will. Somehow, just texting someone validated my existence. I wanted to feel wanted. And knowing that there was someone who wanted to talk to me all day made me feel special and important.
But this turned unhealthy. I craved those messages. I was on my phone 24/7, always ready to respond. When my S.O. was busy or didn't text me, I grew insecure. See, I had put my validation in a text message, and therefore, when I didn't get one, I felt worthless. It's silly, I know. But love does stupid things to our brains.
All this to say, I have grown miles in this area. It took a long time for the "withdrawals" to subside, but, despite several relapses, I grew to not be dependent on another person's attention/communication in order to feel worth. These days, I hardly text at all, and I'm fine. I haven't had a steady "someone" to text constantly since last year, and I'll tell ya, it's not as bad as I thought. It's funny: just the other day, I saw a tweet from a year ago that said "I haven't texted my former fave in 2 days and I'm actually doing alright." See, at the time, that was a huge deal. Like giving up an addiction cold turkey, cutting off communication with my "validation-source" was physically painful. Those two days were so hard. But it got better.
Unlike the girl I was last year, I don't have to be glued to my phone because I'm not anxiously waiting for it to buzz. And I don't have to report to anyone, and always make sure I respond right away. Frankly, I think any healthy relationship would have this sort of freedom, but that's just not the situation I was in, unfortunately (and most of that is due to my immaturity at the time).

And I can go to bed when I want!!! It is so amazing to just be tired and fall asleep watching TV, or reading a book, without any hindrance. I used to stay up far past my bed time, not wanting to say goodbye, and drowsily keep a text conversation going. Sometimes, I would be so tired, that I would even doze off, only to be awoken by the buzz of my phone. Why did I keep up this unhealthy habit??? Ha, I remember how I used to accidentally fall asleep while texting my S.O., only to wake up at 3am and see some message to which I failed to respond. I would then rant and ramble on about whatever I was thinking about at the time, knowing he would see it when he woke up. Ugh, it almost makes me barf now, haha. But I no longer have this constant other someone to keep up with and give each other this false sense of "connection." Shoot, if I wanna fall asleep at 10pm while watching Arrested Development with the lights still on, I CAN. Okay, maybe not the best plug for singleness, but you get the point.

Man is it liberating to not have to think about someone else before you make every decision. Now, I'm aware of how self-centered and selfish that sounds, but it's true! There is a unique freedom found only in singleness in that you are responsible solely for yourself. No longer do I have to check in with my S.O. to make plans and such. I can do what I want when I want without having to worry about another person's schedule! One schedule is enough to keep up with, thank you very much.

I also feel like I'm not walking on eggshells anymore. See, I wasn't in the healthiest of relationships (as you can probably tell from reading my blog, haha), and I was incredibly insecure throughout the whole thing. I wasn't convinced that I was enough or that he would stick around, and I was subsequently always scared that if I said something wrong, or caused a problem/fight, that he would be fed up and leave. Of course, all of this was completely irrational, but that's how I felt at the time. In my singleness, I have found the freedom to express myself how I see fit, and address issues with those around me without fear of losing that friendship/relationship! Even as I've since communicated with my former S.O., I have found the freedom to speak my mind where I formerly was afraid to. I no longer have to kiss anyone's butt, and I therefore can stand up for myself where I see fit. This is an incredible feeling.

One place I really wish I'd exercised my single freedom is in my emotional life. I have let emotional ties hold me back from moving on and growing. By dwelling on the past, I prevented myself from moving forward. However, I have made progress (I notice this especially when I reflect on how I was when I first became single and the shambles I was in then), and I'm proud of the chains I've managed to break. I glance at the remaining chains and I look forward to breaking them apart, piece by piece, until they finally fall behind me altogether and I can walk in true, emotional liberation. I'm workin' on it ;)

In being single, I've also seen my spiritual life grow tremendously. Now, I didn't really make it a priority right away, but over the past year, I have certainly developed in my relationship with Christ. In all honesty, He's the only reason I've somewhat made it through the past year. The height of my freedom is found in my relationship with the Great Liberator. I'm not defined by who I was last year, or the mistakes I've made in the year since. And wow is that freeing!
Singleness gives us the unique opportunity to cling to God and let Him fill every crevice of our lives, where with a S.O., some of those areas of our heart could be occupied. I know this isn't the case for everyone, but at least for me, being in a relationship is a distraction from my first love. It's in singleness that I've been able to see how deeply unsatisfying earthly pleasures are, and how much I crave the love that only my savior can give me!

Singleness is bashed in a lot of senses, but there are some very specific and unique benefits to singleness that can change you for the better if you use your time of singlehood wisely. There is so much freedom in being an independent individual fully dependent on Christ alone. I used to text another human being in search of my self-worth until I would accidentally fall asleep. Now, the last thing I do before I go to bed is write letters to my savior and talk to the maker of the universe.
That's what I call freedom.

What I've Learned from a Year at College

I've been away from home for about a (school) year now, and BOY has it been one hell of a roller coaster! I have learned more in the past nine months of being at college than I have in my entire life. And only a small portion of that is academic. Now my year is almost over (just one more paper and two finals to go - whoo!), and I've begun reflecting on all that has happened in the course of my first year at college.
Here are a few things I've learned:

1. Transferring sucks (I transferred in as an 18-year-old junior, living in sophomore housing, and the whole thing is just kind of sucky. Talk about an identity crisis...)
2. Drunk people are annoying (albeit funny, but annoying).
3. You have to know where you stand (on things like alcohol and morals) or you will be easily persuaded.
4. Sometimes, people just don't care about your feelings.
5. You can't do everything, and you have to be okay with that.
6. Roommates suck.
7. Community college does not prepare you for university.
8. Finding romance (or a "ring by spring") isn't nearly as important as finding a loving community.
9. You lose touch with a lot of friends from home, but the real ones will always come back into your life.
10. Some friendships are worth letting go.
11. College is a great time to start new, positive habits.
12. Your issues from home don't "magically disappear" when you go to college; you have to deal with them.
13. The "freshman fifteen" is real.
14. Toilet paper is expensive!
15. Time management has never been more crucial. And it has never been more absent...
16. You can be surrounded by people 24/7 and still feel alone.
17. You have to make an effort to pursue genuine friendships.
18. Family is the best and should never be taken for granted (and you will miss your parents more than you know).
19. Friday night doesn't have to mean "turn up"; sometimes it means turning down for a girls' movie night, watching Big Hero 6 (and that's more fun).
20. Encouraging, godly friends are irreplaceable, and will get you through college.

Those are basically the surface-level things I learned. God taught me SO much spiritually this year, it's not even funny. (You can read my other blog posts to see those deeper lessons.) He's still teaching me oodles of things.

But these are the things that really kind of stuck out to me.

I can't stress enough the importance of finding a welcoming community and making honest friends. I wouldn't have been able to make it through the year if it weren't for some very special individuals who were there for me physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Those are lifelong friends.

I have been blessed, stressed, challenged, and changed.

This year has seen hysterical fits of laughter, countless late nights in the library, spontaneous adventures with friends, desperate sobs, serious (and sometimes petty) arguments, spiritual renewal, so many calories(!), over a thousand pages of reading, and 111 pages worth of essays written, and I wouldn't change it for the world :)

I have made so many memories and great friends.

Thanks to everyone for being a part of it, and for making me feel right at home (away from home).

If I Could Sit In My Car Forever...

About a year ago, I picked up this habit of sitting in my car for a good 10-20 minutes after I got home from work. I would pull up in front of my house and just sit there with the engine off. See, I knew that as soon as I walked inside my house, I would have to deal with my parents, my mountains of homework, and all the other stresses of life.
So instead, I would delay going inside for as long as practically possible. Sometimes I would browse social media, other times I would read my bible app, or maybe I was texting a friend. Then sometimes, I would just sit in my car and dwell in the intense silence that is only possible in a setting like that.
I used to find it so fascinating how if you sat really still, not making even a rustle of noise, the silence would steadily grow louder, until it was almost an overwhelming sensation of quiet noise. When everything is silent, every little noise is loud. Anyway, I really enjoyed those meditative minutes to myself.

Now, over a year later, at college, I don't get the luxury of pulling up to a quaint little house every night. I also rarely get time to be alone. So tonight, after dropping off a friend and finding a spot in the huge parking lot behind my residence hall, I turned off the car, and just sat there. It's been an especially rough day, and I needed a moment to be by myself. I was reminded of all the times I used to sit in my car at night, reflecting, crying, praying, meditating, thinking, and postponing the stress I would encounter once I opened that door.
So tonight, I sat in my special place of refuge, and breathed. Finally taking a moment to just be still. And then I wrote this poem:

If I could sit in my car forever I would. I would stay here And listen to the silence. Inside- Inside are my responsibilities And stresses Just waiting for me. So I would rather Stay here And sit in my car Where the worries of tomorrow And duties of tonight Cannot touch me Just yet. If I could sit in my car forever I would. I would stay here In my quiet kingdom Of peace and solitude And spend a moment Without the chaos That awaits me Inside. My secluded safe haven. My personal sanctuary. My solitary space. My car. If I could sit in my car forever I would. But the world so beckons And demands That I face its problems. I must leave This meditative encounter
Behind.
And so
Reluctantly I go
Inside.

Oh how I wish I could live in a perpetual state of the peace that I find sitting in my car at night, but alas, at some point, we all have to go inside.

Do You Trust Me?

"Do you trust me?"

God was getting sassy with me.

"But Lauren, do you trust me? Do you trust that I know what I'm doing? Do you trust that whatever happens is because I love you and I know what is best for you? Do you trust me enough to step back and give me control? Oh Lauren, do you really trust me?"

This was my spring break. Days of this back-and-forth battle with God. And I'll be honest, it was one of the most amazing tests I've ever endured.

Okay, allow me to explain. Do you ever try to talk your way out of doing what God asks of you? You hear his command, but then you doubt it and start telling yourself, "Well maybe that wasn't even God. What if this isn't what God wants me to do? Maybe it's just all in my head. I should just go with my gut...." And then, voila, you're doing exactly the opposite of what God wants because you talked yourself into believing you'd made it all up in the first place.

This has been me lately. When I was home on spring break, there was a situation with a friend that I wanted to resolve (if you've read my blog for any length of time, I'm sure you can figure out what this is about). My natural inclination was to pursue it all on my own - just take it into my own hands and make it happen. But I felt like God had been asking me lately to surrender control. For so long, whenever there was an issue, I would stress about it and try to fix it myself. But that's not what God wants. He says "Cast all your cares on me." So, I decided to take a step back. Instead of reaching out to this friend with somewhat selfish intentions, I would wait for them to contact me. I had to trust that if that's what was best for me, God would make it happen. And if it didn't happen, then God knows what he's doing and this is what I need.

Ugh, it was so hard. I fought with it for days! I would start talking myself out of it, saying:
"Okay, but like, what if this isn't how God wants me to handle it? What if this is just me being lazy and not pursuing what I want? I could send a quick text..." and then I'd hear:
"Do you trust me?" 
"Okay, but it couldn't do much harm to just reach out...."
"But do you trust me?"
"If I don't do something, I might not get what I want. The opportunity might slip through my hands!"
"But Lauren, do you trust me?"

I realized, this whole thing isn't about me getting what I want, or trusting that God will give me what I want, but surrendering the constant control I cling to and letting God have his way in this situation, trusting that he will not bring me harm, if only I trust him.
So that's what I did. I wrote "Do you trust me" on my palm as a reminder of God's request whenever I was tempted to take matters into my own hands. So, by doing nothing, I trusted him.

.....for a few days. It came down to the last day of my break, and I knew I was running out of time. I was angry. "God, I'm trusting you, but I'm not getting what I want! I'm standing by, but nothing's happening! My time is running out, and all I want is to have one simple, earthly conversation with an old friend. I don't think that would do any harm....." But deep down, I knew it would. This is someone God has told me to let go of. And here I was, wanting more than anything to hold on.
So, I broke my promise to God. I reached out to this "friend." I had had enough of waiting for God to make it happen, because I knew that if I didn't do anything, it wouldn't happen. I had begged God to give me what I want. My prayers turned from "God, I really want this, but I trust that if it doesn't happen, it's what is best for me," to "God, I really want this. PLEASE give it to me! I'm going to be so upset if you don't."

And as it turns out, God is going to do what he wants, even if I try to take things into my own hands. That's right; I broke my vow of silence and reached out to that friend. And God said, "Lol, nope."
It wasn't supposed to happen. And after it didn't work out, I wished so badly that I had actually trusted God and not done anything.

But this was all such a great lesson. I said that I trusted God. I tried to trust God. After he showed me that his plan doesn't change when I try to step in, I realized that I can trust him. Before, when I tried to talk myself out of doing this whole "Step back and don't say anything" thing, I had questioned if this was really what I should be doing. How did I know this was God asking me to stay silent? The morning I "sent the text," I looked up some Bible verses on trust. The very first verse struck me:

The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent. ~Exodus 14:14

Like, okay God; you're just playing a mean trick on me. I mean, how could I ignore that? Sure, it was taken out of context, but it sure was in perfect context for my life. God had asked me to be silent, and here he was, telling me that he'll work everything out for his perfect glory, I just have to shut up and trust him! Looking back, it's amazing that I still pushed all of these messages and signs aside in order to directly disobey what God had asked me to do.

Anyway, I am so thankful for this whole experience. This was a true test from God. And even though I failed it, it taught me so much. Now, the next time I get an inkling of God asking me to do something for him, I can trust that he is in control and he is going to carry out his plan, with or without my intervention, so its best that I just step back and let him do his thing.

Do you trust him?

A Year Ago Today...

Well, it's Valentine's Day. Sort of. It's after midnight, so it's technically the 15th, but it's still Valentine's Day to me. Not that it really matters, considering I don't have a significant other with whom to share the evening. ANYWAY. This is not really what I'm going to talk about tonight.
In all honesty, I'm not really sure what I'm going to talk about...

A year ago today, I accepted a Facebook friend request from someone who would change my life. In the words of a favorite musical of mine, who can say if I've been changed for the better, but because I knew you, I have been changed for good.
A lot can happen in a year.
A year.
Geez. It's hard to believe that my life has been totally flipped around in the short span of a year.

A year ago today, I had no idea what would become of the boy who sent me a friend request. I had no idea that he would become my best friend; that I would fall in love with him; that I would painfully wait for him; that he would fulfill every cliche I longed for; that he would become my everything... that he would break my heart; that it would take months to get over him...and I truthfully still wouldn't be over him; that our Facebook friendship would last a total of five months; that a year later, we wouldn't even be talking...

A lot can happen in a year.

It still blows my mind that a year ago, I just barely considered him a friend. A year ago today, I gave him my phone number. Not intentionally. Actually, I was trying to give it to another boy, whom I was crazy about at the time, but things get misunderstood. And now, I contemplate deleting his number all the time. Because then I wouldn't be tempted to text him....when for a year, that's all I've wanted. A year ago today, I sent him the first text message....and eleven months later, he sent the last.

I'm not really sure why I share all of this. I guess I'm just reflecting.

So much can happen in a year; you have no idea. But I am proud that I can say I am not the girl I was a year ago. A year of love, and life, and heartache, and DRAMA has made me so much wiser. I have learned more about myself in the past year than I have in my entire life. And not all of that is due to this boy who a year ago sent me a friend request, but a lot of it is.

While I hate the heartache, I don't regret the occurrences of the past year. At times, I had wished that none of it had happened, but now I'm glad that it has. It was painful, but it changed me.

So, if you've been following my blog (which I doubt any of you have), I say thank you.
Thank you for being with me for a year. I started this blog on the first day of March last year, and here I am, almost a year later, in my twelfth month of blogging, and I think we can all agree: I've come a long way.

I'm going to try and stay off of the topic of this boy from now on. As mentioned in my last post, we've decided to not be friends, and we haven't had contact in over a month now, so it only makes sense that as I attempt to rid him from my life and mind, I rid him from my blog as well.
I appreciate that he was my muse for a year, but it's time for a new one.

Here's to a year ago today.

And to a year from today, as well.

I look forward to looking back, a year from now, and being able to say, "Wow; so much has happened. Thank goodness I'm not nearly the girl I was a year ago today."

Friendship or Obligation?

This world can be a very lonely and isolating place.
At times, you can feel like no one understands you; you don't belong; you're alone.
So, when you find someone who actually "gets" you, you cling so tightly.
When you discover someone in this world and you actually understand each other, you both feel an obligation to be in each other's life. I believe this is because of a sense of belonging. You go around your whole life, wondering if anyone will truly relate to you, and then when you find that, it seems like a miracle! You never thought anyone could be so kindred. You feel like you have to be close; it would be such a waste to let someone like that slip by.
However, just because someone gets you for the first time, doesn't mean that they need to be in your life forever. Over time, you may begin to see that you're going separate ways, or you're changing, or the relationship just isn't healthy. That's when you need to pull the plug. We hold onto those people because we feel like, "Oh my gosh, this is someone who understands me in a deeper way. We can talk about anything; I can't let that go. What if I never find that again?" But in reality, we're suffering.
The relationship (friendship, dating, or otherwise) can be harmful, but we push that aside because "how can I let go of my kindred spirit?" But obligation is no reason to continue a relationship that is no longer helpful, but painful. When it gets to the point that you're both hurting, but holding onto each other because of a sense of mutual understanding, or obligation to one another, your relationship is no longer an asset. Rather, it's a burden. It's a weight. You cling to it out of duty, but not out of compassion.
I guess I could explain my reason for all of this. I was going to try to keep my personal life out of this, but I think it's obvious I'm speaking from a specific viewpoint.
I had a friend. From the get-go, we both were drawn to each other because we understood each other in a way neither of us had experienced before. It was a fantastic feeling, knowing that I could tell a person something, and have them receive it and comprehend it. We told each other everything. And I mean everything. There were no boundaries when it came to conversation topics. We shared embarrassing stories, dumb jokes (which it appears no one got but us), but we also shared intimate struggles that we didn't talk about with anyone else.
However, after ups and downs, constant fights and makeups, a whole mess of a roller coaster, we realized that this friendship wasn't working. We had both grown and changed, and what we each needed from the relationship was very different. We made each other feel terrible by needing things the other couldn't give and a gradual distancing due to changes in priorities, values, and ideals. Sure we still had great times together and enjoyed each other's company, but every week we had the same old fight, and it was exhausting.
For months after the relationship turned sour, we held onto that friendship out of a sense of obligation. We both also liked having someone to talk to who could kind of "get it." We knew so much about each other and had always understood each other so well, but the relationship wasn't healthy. I think we couldn't let go because we were scared. At least for me, I was afraid to lose someone who actually understood me. Remember what I said: This world is a lonely and isolating place. I felt like I had found "my person," so how could I let that go? I was scared that no one else will come along and get me like that, and I was willing to suffer for the sake of holding onto someone who really knew me, but treated me poorly.
Eventually, we both had to realize that we're not good friends for each other. And it's not to say that we don't care a ton about the other, but we're at different places in our lives, needing different things, focusing on different things, and if two people don't have the same finish line, it's hard to run the race together. So we officially went our separate ways.
It's been hard.
A lot of times, when this world is impressing on me with its isolating effects, I miss my best friend. But then I remember that a best friend is one you keep because they love you and encourage you and help you in your life, not one you keep out of a fear of being alone and misunderstood.
So, I urge you: if you're holding onto a relationship that is causing you pain, solely because you feel like it's your duty to be with someone who thinks the same way you do, let go. It's scary, but trust me, both of you are hurting because you're not in it for the right reasons.
Release the bonds, loose the chains, and break off this fear-induced obligation to someone who's hurting you, and is hurting because of you.