"Dear No One" - A Letter to Mr. Right

God doesn't promise us a soul mate. He doesn't promise us a perfect marriage. Nowhere in the Bible does it say "Love God and He will provide you with an effortless relationship with the man/woman of your dreams."
So why do we keep acting like we're entitled by God to our ideal romance?

In essence, every relationship is just two incredibly imperfect people choosing to look past each other's imperfections and share in this imperfect life. Everything about this world is imperfect. That's why this is called earth and not heaven.
So why do we keep expecting a perfect individual to drop out of the sky and "complete" us with zero effort?

See, here's the thing: I don't think there's such a thing as a soul mate. I don't think there's one perfect person who I'm destined to be with. Yes, I'm destined to be with him in the sense that God knows the future and what will happen is willed by Him, but that's just the thing: whoever I end up with is who I was "destined" to be with.
I used to believe in the idea of a perfect soul mate. That there is someone out there who was made specifically for me. And while I do believe that there is someone out there who will understand me and make me happy, I also believe that many people could fill that role.
Many people fall into the trap of believing that there is one person out there that they're meant to be with, and they have to go out and find that individual. What a terrible amount of pressure that puts on us, doesn't it! And think about it: if you truly believe that there is only one person you could spend the rest of your life with, what's to keep you from constantly worrying that you've chosen the wrong one? What if "Mr. Right" came by but you missed him cause you were looking at "Mr. Now?!"
It's a good thing that it doesn't work that way.
I hate to break it to you, but Mr. Right is whomever you choose to be with. And many different people could be Mr. Right. I'm not trying to downplay the divinity of God's plan for you or how special finding a life partner is, but I'm just saying that no one is going to be that perfect person that you've been so longing for your entire life. You know why? Because he can't be Jesus. Humans are imperfect. That's kind of the name of the game.
We spend so much time fantasizing about the perfect romantic marriage that we believe we're entitled to, but that's not the way it works. Relationships are hard and they take work. So no matter who you choose to be with, it is going to take effort to have a successful relationship.
No one person is going to cause you to have a perfect relationship.
So, which imperfect candidate do you choose? Haha, I know: I little cynical. But I'm just trying to get across this point that human relationships weren't meant to be easy.
I'm so sick of people shrugging off their grief and disappointments about a broken relationship on God.
"Well, we just weren't meant to be. He wasn't the one God had planned for me. It didn't work out 'cause God has someone much better in mind."
No, it didn't work out 'cause you're two imperfect human beings who decided that the bads outweighed the goods in this one. And you know what? They always will, until you're willing to overlook enough of the bads and fight the rest of them. Because that's what a loving marriage is.
Now, I understand that some people aren't good matches for each other, and other people are totally compatible. But what if I told you that there are many people that you're compatible with? And what if I told you that in every single one of those relationships, you're going to want to give up. It's that one time that you finally decide that it's worth it to not give up and push through: that's "the one."
At some point, you just have to stop looking for that perfect person. You have to know and accept that there very well might be other people out there that you could spend the rest of your life with, but it doesn't very much matter to you anymore cause you found one of them. They're not perfect - that person doesn't exist - but they'll do. Well, they'll more than do.
You just have to stop looking. [Cause, I'll let you in on a little secret: he's not out there.]

Back to my original point. God doesn't promise us a perfect marriage/soul mate/partner. The end game in life is not marriage: it's to follow Christ with all we have and lead others to Him. Now, I wholeheartedly believe that marriage is part of God's desire for some of us, I just don't think that it's the top priority in our lives. And I also don't think marriage was ever meant to be perfect.
In one sense, in marriage, we get the chance to beautifully portray (if we do it right) how Jesus loves His bride - the church. But notice how that isn't the image of two perfect, compatible entities uniting. That's Christ - perfect holiness - refusing to let our sin and imperfection get in the way of his love for us. He had to work for us. He freaking died for us! And yet we still betray Him, refuse to believe Him, and ignore Him on the daily. Does that look like a perfect relationship to you? From Jesus' side it is. But that relationship requires work, and a whole lot of forgiveness. We have to pursue Christ, and He has to (chooses to, remarkably) love us despite our faults.
Now, of course our earthly relationships will never be anywhere near our relationships with Christ, but that's what we strive to portray in marriage - unconditional love (and submission) despite imperfections.

When Paul is talking to the church of Corinth about sexual relations, he basically says that it would be best for a man to be alone and stay physically pure (devoting all he has to the work of Christ). He suggests marriage only to say that a person should choose a spouse if he/she thinks that they will not be able to control their passions. AKA: If you don't think you can keep from being driven mad with sexual desires and end up shacking up with some random person, it would be best for you to get married so at least then, your sexual desires can be satisfied in a God-honoring fashion.
Doesn't sound very romantic, does it?
Marriage isn't the end-all of your existence - it's a beautiful, God-ordained experience, but it was never meant to be easy or perfect.
It's an opportunity to love someone else with a sliver of the love that Christ shows us, and to show someone else a sliver of the mercy He shows us every day.

Moral of the story: Mr. Right doesn't exist (and, just a hint, you're not Mrs. Right, either); choose your imperfect companion and stop waiting for miracle-man to drop from the sky; love that person with a God-filled love; work your tail off when things get tough, and never give up on the imperfect person you committed to.
Because Christ never gave up on that imperfect person He committed to when He died for you.

Momentary Weakness in the form of Reminiscence

The weirdest thing just happened.
And y'all, it's about to get real personal up in here.

At certain times late at night, I often find myself deep in thought, and occasionally, deep in reminiscence. This is not always a good thing.

Well, it just so happens that something brought to mind my former flame just a little while ago. I try to keep the reminiscence and reliving of old memories to a minimum, but this one I just couldn't help. I relived the time I first went to his house and spent the evening with his family. How he walked me to my car at the end of the night. How our hug unwound into the holding of both hands, how we gazed at each other for a bit, and how he gently leaned in to give me a sweet kiss (....or three).
I relived our most "grown up" date: a night on the town. How we walked through the park. We strolled by the amphitheater, hand-in-hand, and stopped by the stair rail, spending a little time there to enjoy each other's embrace. How we later sat down on a park bench for a discussion of life, intermingled with kisses. I recalled how he  gave me that look he was frequent to give me. He cocked his head to one side, and gave me a joke-mocking smile, as if to say "C'mon; that's not what you're really trying to say. Tell me the truth." Because he could always tell when I was holding back or being reserved. I always hated (and somehow loved) how he could always read my mind. There was no secret-keeping with him. Anyway, as I remembered that silly look, I felt this overwhelming emotion wash over me as tears sprang to my eyes.
I wept in remorse. And sure, I've had moments like these where I cry for what's been and what will be no more, but this was odd. It's odd because of what prompted the tears and outcry of sadness.
You see, I had just been reliving these other more intimate moments, kisses in the park, holding hands, etc., and yet what made me cry was the simple recollection of a side-cocked glance.
It's the little things.
I just miss the stupid small things of his personality. That special look that was just for me. It was nothing romantic or sensual by any means, but it was unique to our relationship. And it's things like that that I miss the most. I just miss our friendship. I mean, sure: I really miss smooches under the stars, and holding hands, and gentle caresses and whatnot, but I can live without those. And they'll come again someday in a different form (aka, a different guy). But the small quirks that are unique to him won't be there, and I miss those the most.
I'm not really sure why I share all this. I guess it was just an odd observation I had of myself. Having been "alone" now for almost half a year, I guess I expected myself to most miss the intimate affections, but in reality, I just miss the person. And that's all any relationship is: two people. Enjoy the simple things about each other. That's what makes your relationship unique. That's what you'll cherish. That's what I long to have back.

Reconciliation

Reconciling is probably one of the hardest things two people can do.

My favorite definition of the word reconcile is "to bring into agreement or harmony; make compatible or consistent."

When a relationship is broken, it's difficult to restore harmony. That's mostly because reconciliation requires humility. Someone has to say "Screw it; this relationship is more important than my pride. I'm going to take the blame for my actions and restore harmony in this situation." And that's exactly the lesson I've been having to learn lately.

The past few weeks (and months) have been really difficult for me. When I left home, I thought I had made significant progress in the hurts and feelings I'd been dealing with this year. However, as I left everything I had ever known, all my progress seemed to be flushed down the drain. I missed the people I love, and for the first time in my life, I felt completely alone. It was then that I started thinking back to prior relationships and things and people that I so longed to reconnect to, even though we hadn't been in communion for a while.

If you've read my blog for any length of time, you know that there was a certain romantic relationship recently that has effected me (and has been the sole inspiration for this blog, let's be real) over the course of the last half year or so. When I read back on things I've written about that individual, I cringe with embarrassment for who I've been. But that's slightly beside the point. Well, for a few weeks now, I'd really been convicted of how I'd been thinking of that person. You see, to keep myself from reminiscing and longing for that relationship again, I chose to hold onto hatred. Being angry and hateful was easier than being sad and lonely. It was like every time I thought of a nice happy memory, I had to back it with a reminder of times I'd been hurt so that I didn't dwell on the good, forgetting that it wasn't meant to be. But that quickly turned into me just being a bitter, hateful person.

Almost every night I prayed that God would help me move on without having to do so with hatred. Well, He basically showed me that that is up to me. I had to let go of the hatred first in order to move on. At church a couple Sundays ago, my pastor was talking about the heart of a believer and what it should look like. Let me share with you a few verses he used and then share how they touched me.

Romans 12:9 "Don't just pretend to love others. Really love them."

Galations 5:13 "For you have been called to live in freedom, my brothers and sisters. But don't use your freedom to satisfy your sinful nature. Instead, use your freedom to serve one another in love."

Ephesians 4:23 "Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you."

Wow, was I convicted. I had claimed to love this person, and yet I was thinking and spreading hateful thoughts about him. I was pretending to love him rather than actually loving him with a Christ-like love. The pastor mentioned how the overflow of the gospel is loving someone when it's hard; when people have what you wish you had, you must be genuinely happy for them. Well that struck a nerve. See, I had recently seen this individual and someone we both used to be very close with together on social media (which is from the devil, mind you) and I was filled with envy. Here I was, all alone, not knowing anyone, and there were two people who used to be such huge parts of my life (one of whom I was trying to get over, and the other who had a big part in our relationship) being flirty friends, happy together without me. It enraged me. And I was forced to face the question of how would I react if they were in a relationship? In my head I knew that I would have to be happy for them, but in my heart I wanted what they had.

Anyway, back to the sermon. I realized that the way I'd been feeling about them was wrong. If I truly loved them both, I would be happy for them even when they have what I want. I would love them when things are going for them how I wish they were going for me.
My pastor later spoke about forgiveness and unconfessed sin. See, it's really easy to go to God and ask for forgiveness, because we know that He'll always forgive us and love us no matter what. It is much harder to confess your sin to another individual or to go to someone you've wronged and ask their forgiveness.

So, for about a week, I wrestled with what to do. I knew that God was telling me to confess my sin to this guy. I felt as though that would be one of the last steps in my healing process: finally letting go of that hate and anger. And I knew that I needed to ask his forgiveness for the way I'd treated and thought about him so that we could move on.
However, I wanted to make sure I did nothing out of my own motives. I didn't want to use asking for forgiveness as a means just to get close to him and talk to him again. I wanted everything to be strictly because it was the right thing to do.

Well, that weekend (last weekend), I'd be going home and I knew that if this reconciliation was meant to happen, that would be the opportunity. (My home church pastor also spoke about bitterness and I was just like, "Okay, God. I get it." lol) I began to pray that if a meet-up was meant to happen, that God would prompt it from the other side and that He would make it super obvious for me what to do; I wasn't going to actively seek out the situation for fear of going outside "God's will."
It's funny how sometimes you think you have the perfect spiritual response to something and then God's just like, "Haha, you have it so wrong."

When I shared what I'd been dealing with with my church small group, our leader suggested I read the book "Just Do Something" which explains how you just have to pursue what you feel is right until God slams a door in your face to tell you to stop. Funny thing is, I had received this book as a gift for graduation but never read it. I downloaded the audio book and listened to it on my drive home. Boy, did it change my whole mode of thinking. I was kind of mad, to be honest. 'Cause this whole time, I'd been saying "God, it's in your hands; if it's meant to happen, make it happen," then in this book, I was told to stop being complacent, stop asking God to reveal the future to me, and get off my butt and just do something. So, that's what I did.
I took initiative. I texted this guy and asked if we could meet up. I told God "Alright, here I am, doing something. I know that apologizing is the right thing to do, so I'm going to pursue this, and if it's not what you want, he'll say no or it won't work out. But for now, I'm doing something about it."

We sat in that Starbucks for three hours.

It was probably the most wonderful thing that could have happened. We were able to be friendly and genuinely nice to each other while catching up. After some warm-up conversation, I brought up why I really wanted to meet with him. I expressed briefly what I've explained to you here, and asked for his forgiveness for the hatred I'd been holding onto. He was merciful to me in ways I don't deserve. And I think he really appreciated me coming to him and telling him that hey, yeah I hated you for a while, but I'm trying to let go of that and move on. He told me how while he didn't expect it to take this long, he kind of did expect it to take this long cause he's been there. We hashed out some things and were just really real with each other. In a good way.

What I had realized was that if we were ever going to be on good terms, I needed to take initiative and fess up to what I'd done. Psalm 34:14 says "Turn away from evil and do good; seek peace and pursue it." I had to seek and pursue peace. One thing my youth pastor used to always say (which I've recently discovered is a C.S. Lewis quote) is that we have to forgive the inexcusable in others as Christ has forgiven the inexcusable in us. Sure, this guy had done a lot of stuff wrong, and he hurt me like crazy, but I have to forgive him for those things just like Christ forgives me for all the crap I do to Him. When my home pastor talked about bitterness, he mentioned how you have to truly forgive people even when they don't ask for forgiveness, and our motivation to forgive must always be Jesus.
See, for a long time, I held onto my pride. I said "He'll never ask for forgiveness. I've done a lot less wrong than he has; why should I be the one to apologize?" but that's not the way the gospel works. I still struggle with forgiving him, but thankfully, he's been able to forgive me. And I knew that I had to be the one to swallow my pride and humble myself in apology if we were ever going to be on friendly terms.

Egos have no place in reconciliation.

It's been an ongoing struggle, and it's far from over, but at least I finally feel like I'm moving in the right direction. I don't have this burden of sour feelings and anger bottled up inside me. And I have hope that one day this guy and I can be friends. Truth be told, I'm already looking forward to Thanksgiving break when we can talk again. But I'm glad we were able to restore harmony, in a sense, and kind of move on from past hurts on both ends. That's not to say it won't hurt like crap when I see him and my old friend flirting and dating and whatever else they choose, but it means that I can consciously pursue a life of freedom from the bonds of past hurts. I can pursue peace in my heart and peace with those around me.

Let go of the hatred. Let go of bitterness. Let go of your pride. Embrace love from a pure heart. Embrace forgiveness. Pursue peace. Reconcile.