The weirdest thing just happened.
And y'all, it's about to get real personal up in here.
At certain times late at night, I often find myself deep in thought, and occasionally, deep in reminiscence. This is not always a good thing.
Well, it just so happens that something brought to mind my former flame just a little while ago. I try to keep the reminiscence and reliving of old memories to a minimum, but this one I just couldn't help. I relived the time I first went to his house and spent the evening with his family. How he walked me to my car at the end of the night. How our hug unwound into the holding of both hands, how we gazed at each other for a bit, and how he gently leaned in to give me a sweet kiss (....or three).
I relived our most "grown up" date: a night on the town. How we walked through the park. We strolled by the amphitheater, hand-in-hand, and stopped by the stair rail, spending a little time there to enjoy each other's embrace. How we later sat down on a park bench for a discussion of life, intermingled with kisses. I recalled how he gave me that look he was frequent to give me. He cocked his head to one side, and gave me a joke-mocking smile, as if to say "C'mon; that's not what you're really trying to say. Tell me the truth." Because he could always tell when I was holding back or being reserved. I always hated (and somehow loved) how he could always read my mind. There was no secret-keeping with him. Anyway, as I remembered that silly look, I felt this overwhelming emotion wash over me as tears sprang to my eyes.
I wept in remorse. And sure, I've had moments like these where I cry for what's been and what will be no more, but this was odd. It's odd because of what prompted the tears and outcry of sadness.
You see, I had just been reliving these other more intimate moments, kisses in the park, holding hands, etc., and yet what made me cry was the simple recollection of a side-cocked glance.
It's the little things.
I just miss the stupid small things of his personality. That special look that was just for me. It was nothing romantic or sensual by any means, but it was unique to our relationship. And it's things like that that I miss the most. I just miss our friendship. I mean, sure: I really miss smooches under the stars, and holding hands, and gentle caresses and whatnot, but I can live without those. And they'll come again someday in a different form (aka, a different guy). But the small quirks that are unique to him won't be there, and I miss those the most.
I'm not really sure why I share all this. I guess it was just an odd observation I had of myself. Having been "alone" now for almost half a year, I guess I expected myself to most miss the intimate affections, but in reality, I just miss the person. And that's all any relationship is: two people. Enjoy the simple things about each other. That's what makes your relationship unique. That's what you'll cherish. That's what I long to have back.
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