Interpersonal Personalities

The other day, a good friend of mine introduced me to the study of personality types. I was instantly interested and read on the subject for hours.

It started with me taking a simple personality test [you can take the same one here]. At first I was a bit skeptical. I mean, how can a silly online test determine my personality type? But when I saw my results and read the description, I was amazed at how accurate it was.
I got the type ENFP, which 16personalities.com briefly describes, "They seek meaning and are very interested in other people’s motives, seeing life as a big, complex puzzle where everything is connected. Not surprisingly, ENFPs tend to be very insightful and empathic individuals. This, plus their charm and social skills, often makes them very popular and influential."

Now, not everything exactly matched up with how I act, but some things were so spot on, it's scary. Such as how ENFPs "Overthink things. ENFPs always look for hidden motives and tend to overthink even the simplest things, constantly asking themselves why someone did what they did and what that might mean."
I am notorious for seeking hidden meanings which aren't even there.

Anyway, I tell you all this because I feel like we can learn a whole lot about other people by learning their personality type. It can help you see how they function and how to best interact with them. See, my friend is an INFJ, and thought I might be too. And while some of the INFJ characteristics perfectly describe me, the overall idea of INFJ just doesn't fit me. However, by reading about how INFJs function and think, I was able to learn about my friend and better understand the reasons why they act the way they do. Turns out, our personality types are very compatible, which we already knew, but it was kind of cool to find out on an official, psychological level.

It's really important to try to learn about and understand other people and their personalities, even if you don't know their "type." Remember that people function very differently and just because someone handles certain situations in a way that may seem odd to you, it doesn't mean they are any better or worse than you. Be open and accepting of people who have different personalities as yourself and remember that your differences allow you to gain from each other what you lack.

I highly suggest you take a test and read up on your personality type. It's very eye-opening. But remember that no one knows you better than yourself, so if you take a test but after reading several personality type descriptions feel like you fit a different type, don't be afraid to take that type on as your own. However, I find that these profiles are very accurate. Reading about the different types will also help you learn about why you're attracted to certain people and why certain relationships just seem to work, while others don't.

Have fun! I hope you enjoy exploring personalities as much as I do :)

Miracles, Michaels, and Mormons

As its title may suggest, this is a three-part post today.
Tonight my two best friends visited me at work and we hung out after I got off. We decided to go to Starbucks (where else would a blogger go to hang out with friends, lol) and just got to talking.

We started talking about miracles. Anna brought up something a friend of ours had said, "Miracles are subjective." And it's so true. When people today think of the word miracle, we think of big, grande, "God-acts." But miracles are subjective. You never know how the tiniest thing could be a miracle to someone else. Miracles don't have to be these unexplainable acts of power; they can be something as small as giving someone a couple bucks when they need it. You never know what someone has been struggling with and praying for. Take a second and look around for the tiny miracles in life. Look for the tiny chances to be a miracle in someone's life.
In today's society, people are constantly looking for excuses for miracles. They are always trying to say that these certain things could have happened naturally. And it's not that the miracles of the bible or miracles of today couldn't happen on their own, but it's that God allows them to happen at just the right time to just the right people. You can explain miracles without God, but you can't explain the timing or impact.

Then comes the second M - Michaels. We began discussing relationships and people. Michael is a guy I work with who both of them got to know tonight. (I also ran into my youth pastor named Michael tonight, so that explains the plurality.) Anyway, we talked about friendships. For some reason, lately, the three of us have been fixated on discovering each of our stereotypical roles in our friendship. We've decided that I'm the loud drama queen, Anna's the wise advice giver, and Kaylee's the reserved one who observes. The great thing about our dynamic is that we each bring something different to the friendship. It's all about realizing that you're important in any relationship, and accepting that your differences mean that you can gain from each other what you do not poses yourself. My over-dramatic personality brings excitement to our friendship, and I'm able to gain wisdom from the two of them. It just works.
Along the lines of Michael, we talked about guys (I mean, how could we not?). Anna, being the wise advice giver that she is, mentioned how important it is that a guy falls in love with your spirit and the things most important to you. That's true love; not based on physical attraction or forced relations, but a pure, spiritual connection. Something I think a lot of girls (and guys, I presume) struggle with is wanting to ask nagging questions. Like when you're trying to get a guy to say something, and you ask him these questions that you already have a pre-formed answer to, but he's not going to say what you want to hear. And even if he did, what would it be worth when you practically forced him into it? If someone loves you, they're going to tell you the answers you want to hear before you even have to ask.

Then we talked about Mormons. I recently became friends with a Mormon at school and we talked about him. But really what was interesting is how well this Mormon friend of mine was able to defend and back up what he believes. It made me feel ashamed that I can't as adequately defend my beliefs. And both of us know that we're not going to convert the other, which is kind of why we can discuss our beliefs in a rational way. It made me think about the importance of sometimes just sitting back and listening. It's really important to learn about other people and other cultures. Don't ignorantly block out the rest of the world just because they don't believe exactly as you do. That's just downright dumb. How will you ever be able to defend yourself if you never listen to what you're defending against?
Plus, learning about other people is fun! It's really interesting to me to learn about other peoples' beliefs and what's important to them. You'll be amazed at what you get to know about someone just by listening.

Anyway, that was my night. And boy was it amazing :) I feel so blessed to have amazing people in my life who balance me out so perfectly. People who I can discuss literally anything with, and feel no judgement. That's true friendship.

Poems of the Past

Today I found my old box of papers from growing up. It contains old homework assignments, pamphlets from shows I was in, notes from events I attended, and most interesting, songs and poems I wrote as a kid.
Here are some of those poems. I wish they all had dates, but they don't, so I've tried to guess and write an estimate as to how old I was at the time of writing each one. Hope you enjoy :)

 The Birdie (App. Age 11)
There was a little birdie
That sat upon a tree
And watched the people go by
As happy as can be.
But then one day a lady,
Just like you and me,
Walked by very sadly,
So the birdie could see.
The birdie went to greet her,
So sad and depressed,
He just said "hello" and
Showed her his new nest.
He said, "You can be happy,
Happy just like me.
If you just enjoy life and
Love your family!"
But then the lady told him,
In such a sorrow tone,
"You see, I have no family
Of my own."
The little birdie listened,
For a good listener was he.
Now the birdie was sad,
As sad as sad could be.
He thought for a moment,
And went back to his tree.
He brought down his nest and said,
"Well, you can stay with me!"

*Here is a poem I wrote, probably around age 13. It's rather dark for young girl to write, but I've always loved it*
Don't cause me to stumble,
Only lift me up
Stop tearing my down,
Fill up my cup

I'm stranded and alone
'Cause you won't save
I'm quietly dying,
'Cause of how you behaved

Why let me suffer
Don't you love me?
Can you even see
That I am so needy

I need a hand
Please lift me high
You push me down
And tell me a lie

Say you're too busy
And push me away
Ignore my plea,
Wait 'til another day

So now I'm dying,
And it'll be your fault
As I take my last breath
And life comes to a halt

Now don't you wish
You had reached out
And answered the call
To my crying shout

I am now dead

The Quest for Love (App. Age 12) - This has always been one of my favorites.
Searching, reaching
Only beseeching
Where are you love?
Come from above
Love, don't hide,
Don't be disguised
I need you now
I'll find you, how?
Torn and tattered,
My heart shattered
Aching, throbbing,
My eyes, sobbing
Love's needed here
It's gone, I fear
Looking around
Love is not found
Could it be true?
Love comes from you?
Why, now I see!
God, you love me!
What's this feeling?
My heart's healing!
My quest complete.
Lord, guide my feet
But all along
You sang a song
Asked for my heart
As it fell apart
Now all is well,
From me, I fell
Into your arms
There are no harms
I have no quest
God, you're the best
My life is whole
You have my soul

 When my brother went off for his first semester of college, he suffered severe back pain. He had a ruptured, herniated disk (which would later be corrected through surgery) and could not sit or stand for more than half an hour before the pain became too much to bear. He would lie on his back on the floor in class and hold up a notebook to take notes. And he had always been such an active, daredevil guy, but no one at school could see that side of him. Anyway, I wrote this poem for him in school. We later sent it to him and he said it made him cry, a pretty big deal.

A Brave Brother (App. age 14)

He's out of the house, he's finally gone,
Though I thought I'd feel different, on that morning's dawn.
Now he's somewhere new, and struggles getting out of bed,
I'm sure some days he feels like he's dead.

Every day is a challenge, which he pushes through,
Though the pain strikes his back, and it's hard for him to do.
All the doctors visits, and trying to find relief,
But he's very good at disguising his grief.

He tries to get work done, and tries to have fun,
But he can't really sit, jump, stand, or run.
We know him to be athletic and sleep in a tree,
But there, the real Tyler Beasley, no one can see.

He is brave every day; he is strong and tough,
Knowing that tomorrow will be just as rough.
We knew him to be brave by doing crazy stunts,
But now he is brave by relying on what God wants.

The following poems are from an English class I took in 8th or 9th grade.

True Friend
Mightily true,
She shares her faith
Shared what she knew,
Presented strength
She kindly builds up,
Dwells close with the Lord
He fills her cup
With his great word.

Love Everlasting
True love is found
In God alone
When bells shall sound
And mercy shown.

Though hard to find,
Love is not hidden
If you keep in mind,
It is not forbidden

Search and endure
What troubles lie ahead
And you will be sure
To find love instead.

Then two shall meet
When love conquers defeat.

Winter's Kiss
Cold white snow
Warm burning wood
Family we know
Friends that we should

Christmas at last
Winter's finest day
Frigid days have passed
And kissed the year away

Beauty
They say, "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder"
But everyone knows beauty dies as you get older.
Beauty is not for people alone
No, beauty, throughout the world, is shown.
Beauty in the cool breeze of a summer morning
Beauty in the fragrance of a rose it is adorning
Beauty in the sound of a child's laughter,
Beauty in the tears that come thereafter
There is beauty in mother's pie, of which we love
There is beauty in the heavens of our father above
Yes, beauty is not just nails and hair,
Beauty is God's creation, everywhere

Music
Music frees a trapped soul
Its melodies can comfort in times of sorrow,
The rhythm can lift a mourning heart
A song can express what you yourself cannot
And tell a story through the movement of notes
Music frees a trapped soul
Still music communicates to all
Yes, music frees a trapped soul
Music can free all souls.

My Imperfect Love
My love for God is hard to express.
He has saved me from myself and hell
Without Him, I would be a great mess,
But he has allowed me to shed my shell.

I love God with my entire being.
I love Him with song and words and movement.
I love Christ for the things I'm seeing,
And for allowing my great improvement.

But I am human and my love is flawed;
My love, unlike His, has imperfection.
His love makes up for mine, and I am awed,
And I can't help but show my affection.

I love my Savior with all my heart,
And I can't wait for eternity to start.

*I wrote this next poem late Christmas Eve and then read it in the morning to my family. They loved it so much that they insisted I read it when we go to both grandparents' houses for the entire families. I was so nervous as I read it, but it moved some family members to tears.*

The Meaning of Christmas (App. Age 12)

What is the meaning of Christmas?
Little kids may tell you
That it's about Santa Claus
And presents from him too.

Others may say it's all about
Having family and friends around
And love and peace and happiness
And joy to surround.

These things are all swell,
But let me just say,
They are not the true meaning of Christmas,
Of this glorious day.

The real meaning is this:
Christ, the Lord, maker of all,
Was born as flesh
Born in a stable or stall.

The beginning of His life,
Life on earth,
Was at this moment;
God's own birth.

And when you see a manger scene,
Also see Christ on a tree
Suffering for everyone
That one day we would be free.

Free from our sins,
All things we had done wrong,
And then you see the meaning
Of the angels' precious song.

This, I tell you, is the meaning of Christmas.

Easter (Age 9)
When we think of Easter,
We think of Easter eggs.
But when it passes by,
It's just nowhere in our heads.
So when you think of Easter,
Think of this, oh please do,
That Christ our Savior died,
But He rose for me and you.

The Curse of Those Who Care Too Much

I'm realizing this sounds like the stereotypical response to that old interview question "What is your greatest weakness?"
"I care too much, I work too hard, etc."
But I think this is a real issue in many cases.
See, I, like many others, am cursed with a deep sense of care for others. At many times, this is a blessing because it means I want to listen to others and help them with their problems; I care deeply about their well being and overall happiness. However, caring too much becomes a problem and there are several downsides.

First, for those of us who "care too much," we tend to think about how others think and feel more than most. This can lead to hyper-over-analysis (something I struggle with all too severely). I care about how people feel - are they comfortable, am I annoying them, are they happy - but mostly related selfishly to how they feel about me. Because of this, I usually end up analyzing every little thing and making a bigger deal of it than what's actually going on. I just want people to be happy. But little things that other people might not think of as important are noticed by someone who cares too much. We sense tiny cues that give us an insight into what that person is thinking, and, unfortunately, sometimes we over-exaggerate and fabricate these cues and their meanings in our heads.

Related to my first point, people who care too much are often very concerned with how people view them. It really boils down to an issue of insecurity. I know that I care far too much about what other people think of me. I wish I didn't care so much. I wish I could just say "I am who I am, and I don't care what anyone else says!" but I would by lying to myself. Because I seek the meaningless approval of others everyday. Those of us who care too much can easily become consumed and overwhelmed by the need to please others. While other people can simply just shake it off if they can't meet someone's needs, to someone who cares too much, it's a big deal. I really can't stand to let people down. It makes me feel like crap, and it really gets to me. Like at work (I work in retail), I deal with some very difficult and grumpy customers. If I can't find what they want or I see that they're unhappy, it affects me. I feel really bad like I've let them down. I wish I could just shrug and say "Well, I did my best and that's all I could do." but I always end up feeling like that's not good enough. For those of us who care too much, letting others down is heart-breaking and, at least for me personally, it affects us physically. When I've disappointed someone, I feel emotionally and physically drained. Not to mention, I reflect on the situation for far too long, trying to figure out what could have been done differently.

Lastly, one of the major downsides of caring too much is that you usually end up caring about someone more than they care about you. Now, that's not always the case, but it sure feels like it. 'Cause to someone who cares too much, no response to a text means "Oh my gosh, they hate me. I must have annoyed them. Do they even like me? I should just stop talking to them altogether." Haha, I know this seems ridiculous, but that's what goes on in my brain every time (Yay for that over-analysis!). Then again, this may just be me, but I have a feeling it's a struggle for many others. To me, when I meet someone I really care about, I want to know how they are emotionally and what's going on in their life. I always end up feeling like a nag by texting them too much, never really sure how they feel about me. And sometimes, caring about others more than they care about you is a really serious issue, because you never feel fully fulfilled (lol). Someone who cares too much will always feel like relationships are lopsided, even if they're not. And that's because a person who cares too much is going to spend a lot of time thinking about the other person, and will likely make an effort to let that person know. Whereas the other person might not show how much they care, leading the person who cares too much to think that the other doesn't care. The best thing for someone who cares too much to do is find another person who cares too much. Care too much about each other! Haha! And don't be blind to those around you who really do care about you. Just because you feel like you care more than them, doesn't mean that they don't care a whole lot about you. People just express their emotions differently. Don't let the curse of caring too much hinder the relationships you have, as well as potential relationships you've yet to engage in.

The plus-side of caring too much is that positive acts and words of encouragement mean far more than you could imagine! The little things are huge and it doesn't take much to positively influence someone who cares too much. So, for those of you who have that friend that always seems to over-analyze or nag you about how you feel, just remember that their intentions are never to annoy you or pry into your business. They just care deeply about you. You mean so much to them, so remember that what you say is very important, and a little love can go a long way :)

A True Friend

So, today, my very best friend turns 18!
Happy birthday, Anna!!!
In honor of her, I want to talk about what a true friend is to me.

A true friend is someone who will listen to your problems, day or night, no matter how silly they seem.
She will give you advice when you need it, even when you don't wanna hear it.
When a boy breaks your heart, she will tell you what a jerk he is, how beautiful you are, and make sure you know how awesome you are until you're over him.
A true friend will be perfectly content just sitting in your car and talking for hours.
You can share secrets with each other and trust that the other will never tell.
A true friend is someone who knew you during your awkward stage and loved you anyway.
She's seen you at your worst, and you've seen her at her worst, yet you still accept each other.
A conversation just isn't complete until you've talked about boys, boobs, and bodily functions.
A true friend knows your dreams and aspirations and pushes you to pursue them.
She sees you cry and holds you til the tears turn to laughter.
You're almost always thinking the same thing.
All you have to do is mention one thing from your past, and you're both rolling in laughter.
A true friend will let you crash at her house when you just don't wanna go home.
She'll tell you the truth about a guy when you don't want to listen, but doesn't gloat when she ends up being right (which she always is).
A true friend gets excited about the things you're excited about, even if she normally wouldn't care.
She knows your deepest insecurities and still thinks you're the best.
She probably knows you better than you know yourself, and sometimes you wonder if she's psychic.
A true friend is okay with being your psychiatrist, cause she knows how messed up you are and is willing to help.
Whenever you're at her house, you end up raiding her closet cause she's just so much cooler than you.
And yet she still thinks you're pretty cool, too.
A true friend is someone who you don't have to impress.
You can just chill and literally do nothing, and still have a great time.
A true friend is a companion when you don't appreciate one, a partner when you don't have one, and a sister when you don't deserve one.
A true friend is a friend for life.
And that's okay, cause there's no one else you'd rather share the ups and downs of life with.

So, thanks, Anna, for being all of the above to me for the many, many years I've known you.
Here's to adulthood and the many years of friendship ahead of us!
I love you.
You're a true friend.

Who's Holding Your Happiness?

Okay, since I feel like I already tell you (my non-existent blog audience [and friend]) everything, I might as well let you in on one more struggle. This one goes along with my struggle with loneliness (which you know by now, after reading my previous posts, is not true loneliness).

Anyways, I recently made a new friend. Great! Right? That's what you'd think. And for the most part, it has been great. Let's call this friend Mimi. See, Mimi and I really hit it off. She would talk to me when I was feeling down and it felt great to be appreciated. However, lately I've realized that I've been putting my happiness in Mimi's hands. It's like I'm relying on her to cheer me up, send me a message, make me feel loved.

But that's not fair.

Not to me, and not to my friend.
See, I can't be looking to Mimi for things she can't give me. She'll never be able to fulfill my deep longings, and I'll never be fulfilled.
In an effort to feel truly loved, I found myself constantly running to Mimi, and yet always feeling dissatisfied.
It wasn't until this morning at church that I really realized my problem.

Only God can bring me the true happiness I crave.
I know this is a controversial statement, but it's true. I have to stop letting others define who I am and dictate my happiness. No matter where I look, trying to fill the void in my heart with boys, friends, hobbies, etc., until I run to Jesus, I'll always be left unfulfilled.
His love is the only thing that can make me feel complete.

It's such a struggle, though, to not let myself become consumed by wanting to please others and gain their acceptance. Why does that matter so much to me, anyway? It is so easy to say "I don't care what others think about me" but the truth is, I care a lot. I care way too much. I want to be a part of something; included, accepted, belonging. So I am constantly seeking the approval of others. And even when I get it, I still feel like I'm not enough. You know why? Cause other peoples' approval doesn't matter. The only person I have to impress is Jesus. And you know the crazy thing about that? He knows the worst of me: my darkest thoughts, dirtiest sins, and yet He loves me anyway, enough to die for me. How crazy is that?! Mimi isn't going to die for me. If she knew the depths of my heart, she'd be repulsed! So I have to stop seeking false approval based on a false display to gain a false sense of importance!

Only God can give me importance in this world.

It's time I stop checking my phone every 2 minutes to see if I got a reply.
Stop checking facebook to see if they're online.
Stop wondering what they think of me.
Stop wondering if they think of me.
People are going to let me down every single day of my life! And you know the great thing about that? It pushes me to a God who will never fail. He is always there. I'm never alone.

My happiness is found in Him!

I realize this is more of a rant to myself. Sometimes I just have to talk it out to see the good advice I have for myself (that I rarely seem to take in the heat of the moment).
But perhaps you're struggling with this too.
Stop letting "Mimi" define your happiness. Don't let her dictate your sense of self-worth. Cause she'll end up making you feel like crap. That's just how humans are.
Until you realize that Jesus is the only perfect, unfailing fulfillment for your aching heart, you'll always be left wanting more.

Run to your Father who is waiting with arms wide open, ready to take you in, even when you're at your worst. (Thanks Daddy :)

Healing in the Fight

Sometimes, the best thing to do is just fight it out.
Otherwise, you'll end up holding onto things and it just ends up in confusion and frustration.
Trust me; I've been there. Heck, I'm there.

The other night, I was talking to a friend. We kind of have this mixed relationship. Maybe it's love-hate. Because sometimes I really want to hate him, but then other times I can't help but love him. Anyway, we tend to get into these deep conversations that usually turn into arguments. And the other night, something came up. Something that brought up all these questions in my mind. Soon enough, we were fighting. I couldn't swallow all the things I was thinking, and he had finally had enough. There were times in the conversation when I just wanted it all to stop.
I don't want to fight with someone who had been so great to me! What if I scared him away? What if my annoying questions finally pushed him over the edge and he just left?
At times, I thought we were going to just call it a night- mid-fight -and go to bed angry and confused.
But I knew that in order to get better, we had to dig deeper.
So we fought. He told me what was wrong with me and I told him how much he'd hurt me. It was hard. And it was confusing. Sometimes I wanted to tear my hair out of just crawl in a hole.
But it worked.
Eventually, we got down to the bottom of it.
Eventually, I felt like we had finally made progress in our relationship. And by the end of the night, I wasn't confused and upset. I finally had closure. Had I given up before things got ugly, I would have hated myself. So I'm glad we stayed up and fought. I just hope it doesn't have to happen too many more times.

So my reason for sharing all this with you is to let you know that sometimes you just need to fight! Sure, it stings and it's uncomfortable, and you'll probably get hurt, but it's important to hear the truth and to also speak what's been bothering you. Don't let these thoughts fester too long, cause you'll end up exploding at the wrong time.

As much as I wish we could have a perfect relationship, my friend and I will never be like that. It's just not in our nature to talk about "fluff." And when you dig down deep, you're bound to strike a few nerves.

So don't be afraid to fight it out. There is wonderful healing in the fight.

Never go to bed angry - fight it out and move on.

Lonely Together

In a world with over 7 billion people, how can we feel lonely?

The word "lonely" is described as "sad from being apart from other people."

We are constantly surrounded and bombarded by people. If the definition of being lonely is being sad 'cause you're apart from people, then how can we truly consider ourselves lonely?

The problem is, we don't take the time to acknowledge those around us. Sure, we may encounter a hundred people throughout the day, but do we ever take a moment to look around and see that these are people? Just other, lonely souls, looking for their place in the world.

I've been seriously struggling with loneliness lately. My two best friends (the only people I really ever hang out with or talk to seriously) have been out of the country for almost two months. So, I'm on spring break this week and I honestly feel like I have no one to hang out with. Sure, there are other people around me. I have classmates and coworkers. Heck, I even see my parents pretty often (even though our schedules basically prevent us from ever hanging out). But these aren't people I really feel comfortable with. And I don't feel like I can just unload my burdens on them like I could with a life-long friend. Even with all these people around me, I've never felt so alone.

I think it's cause I'm pretty much an extrovert. Sure, I like working on my own and enjoy downtime, but I crave human interaction. I love relationships and friendships. The only problem is, I really dislike reaching out to people I'm not already close to. Because of that, I end up putting myself in a corner, feeling sorry for myself that no one wants to be around me, when I'm not even making an effort to talk to anyone. See, I've become lazy and self-pitiful. I think "Woe is me. No one loves me," and yet I'm expecting others to do all the work instead of actively seeking out relationships.

I think this is the problem with a lot of people today. We get so wrapped up in our little circle - our circle of friends, our circle of hobbies, our circle of comfort - that we fail to see how much we're missing! There are people out there craving to be noticed and loved. Just to feel like they matter in this world. It's time we opened our eyes and realized that we're hardly alone, myself included.

I feel so lonely, and yet there are people around me who care about me. I just need to reach out and let them in. And even the people I don't know: They maybe lonely too. I can't selfishly wish that everyone would reach out to me first. It's time to take initiative.

So take a moment to look around. See the people around you. You never know how deeply someone is hurting on the inside. A plastered smile can hide a world of darkness. I know; I've been there. You have no idea how much just a simple smile, hug, or acknowledgment can do.

Love those around you.

Stop feeling lonely when there are people out there who would embrace you in a heartbeat, if you let them.

Perfect Imperfections

Insecurities are a funny little thing, aren't they?

There are so many things we dislike about ourselves, but why?

The other day, I mentioned something to a friend of mine. See, they had this little quirk about them that I always thought was so darling. When I brought it up, however, they were really embarrassed. It was something they had dealt with for a long time and were very insecure about it. I immediately felt terrible for bringing it up. But see, that little "flaw" was what made that person special to me. It was something I had always found so endearing, and rather adorable.

So why do we get so dang caught up in what we see as imperfections? Maybe the things I hate about myself others find charming. And the thing is, even when others tell us that they like something about ourselves that we dislike, we fail to see the compliment and instead fixate on the fact that they noticed our flaw, completely disregarding the fact that they like it. And don't they always say that confidence is so attractive? So how about we start accepting compliments when they're given instead of shutting them down. Here's a personal example:
I've always hated my nose. When I was younger, my older siblings always told me I had a ski-jump nose cause it swoops up at the end. I always wished I could change it and have less of a round ball on the end of my face. So when people say something like "Your nose is so cute!" it immediately brings up my insecurity and I shut them down, saying how my nose is so terrible and I hate it. Why don't I just show appreciation for the compliment? Maybe my nose is what makes me special. Maybe my nose is what others find attractive in me. Maybe if I took pride in my features, others would better enjoy being around me. And the same goes for all my other insecurities, whether they be physical or personality-related.

I think I learn a lot from observing how I view people. The things I find attractive in people are often the things that make them imperfect. The things they probably consider flaws, themselves. I like the way your forearms are really pale, or that you're a little boney, and how your smile is crooked, or you're shorter than most. I like how your laugh is so loud, or the way you don't make eye contact, and your dorky sense of humor, or how you're openly emotional. I like that you're "imperfect" (by whose standards, I don't know) because it makes me feel comfortable being my imperfect self. These "imperfections" you see in yourself are what drew me to you. They're part of why I love you.

Now to start seeing myself the way I want you to see yourself.

Insecurities are a funny little thing, aren't they?

Why be insecure about the things that make people love you?

Mixed Signals

Here's a poem I wrote the other day. It's really rather silly and quite a terrible poem, but I feel like it's something many of you can relate to. I'm sure you've found yourself in a similar situation when you wanted more out of a relationship than what was being offered. It's rather self-explanatory, but I hope you can enjoy its simplicity.
So here's to all of you who have suffered through the terrible mixed signals people can send.

Mixed Signals

I know I'm not the one
I just wanna have some fun
A chance to have it all
Before we part in the fall

So let's give it a whirl
Make me a happy girl
So much I've never known
Never experienced on my own

So, stop leading me on
If the chance I had is gone
You send such mixed vibes
Should I send silence or send bribes

We're friends, of course, no doubt
But the level is what I wonder about
Are you asking for my hand
Or seeking a friend - high in demand

My desperation is great
I fear I'll screw up our fate
Longing for more than what's meant
'Stead of the friendship on which we're bent

Still look at me the same
And smile when you say my name
But know when that smile hits your face
You're the reason my heart starts to race

In my head I've perfected
And the scenes I've directed
But in real life I struggle
Cause your heart I can't smuggle

So make up your mind now or tomorrow
End my self doubt, end my self sorrow
All I ask is you give me a chance
So come April 11, in your arms I can dance

The Beginning

So, I've decided to start a blog. Not like anyone will ever see it, but it's something I want to do. This, I believe, will become a sort of landfill for my mind - a place where I can just spill everything that's in my head. There really won't be any set style, just what I'm feeling that day. But for my first post, I'd just like to share with you the meaning of my blog's title.

I have decided to call this blog "Apropos of Nothing." In order to describe it's meaning, allow me to back up a bit. I'm a bit of an English nerd. I love this language that we speak and I love literature - reading it, analyzing it, writing it. For those of you who aren't familiar, the phrase "apropos of nothing" comes from Stephen Crane's short story, "The Open Boat." In the story, a small group of men are stranded in a small row boat after a shipwreck. In the latter half of the story, the narrator says "Shipwrecks are apropos of nothing." In this, he means that shipwrecks are something you cannot prepare for. But I just love that phrase (and the word apropos). Merriam Webster Dictionary describes Apropos as meaning "with regard to/concerning," so when saying shipwrecks are with regard to nothing, the narrator perfectly describes how there is nothing similar to a shipwreck for which to properly prepare yourself. The only way to understand the circumstances of a shipwreck is to experience a shipwreck for yourself.

Such is life. There are certain things that you just cannot prepare yourself for. You can read all the books, watch all the movies, and listen to all the stories about shipwrecks, but until you're stranded in the ocean for yourself, you'll never know what it's like. Heartbreak, death, stupid daily drama - these are the shipwrecks we face. These are the situations you're never truly prepared for. And no matter how big or small these things are, they always seem to sneak up on us somehow. It's not until we go through it (on a daily basis) that we understand it. Therefore, I draw the conclusion that life is apropos of nothing.