The Real Hero Will Be...

I'm a mess.

90% of the time, I'm a total mess. It's that 10% of the time that I am a normal, put-together "adult." I imagine it will be during this 10% of the time that a man will fall in love with the sane part of me I like to pretend is my regular state. However, the real hero will be the man who can love me the rest of the time, too.

A man who can love me in the morning when I have bad breath and shiny sleep face

A man who can call me beautiful when I have no makeup on to cover my furious breakouts

One who doesn't judge me when I eat the whole sleeve of Oreos

A man who can hold me around the waist and think I'm sexy even when I've put on a few pounds and feel like a whale

Someone who will let me ruin their favorite shirt with tears and snot after a bad day

One who can hold me tight as I have a completely irrational meltdown

A man who can say I'm adorable when I'm rockin that second day hair, in a giant flannel, while sitting on the couch, eating ice cream, and binge watching Gilmore Girls. Hell, a man who will join in!

A man who can love me even when my misdirected anger is thrown at him

One who reminds me that he wants me when I'm feeling insecure

A man who gently points me back to Jesus when my priorities are skewed

A man who sees the deepest parts of my being and accepts me, flaws and all

That's a man that deserves a trophy. That's a real hero. And I'll be proud to call him my husband :) I can't even handle myself most of the time, so a man that can take all this and love me at my absolute worst, is more than deserving of my 10% of sanity. (And 100% of my earthly love and devotion.) To my future husband: We gon' have some crazy times, but I promise you, it will never be boring. Brace yourself; I'm a bumpy roller coaster, but as long as you've got junk food and tissues in hand, we'll be in good shape ;)

Healing Hands

God is in control and his plan is perfect.

At times, this can be hard to understand or accept, especially in times of trials and heartbreak, but it is true nonetheless.

I've recently been reminded of the brevity of life and uncertainty of tomorrow. See, a girl I knew when I was younger passed away yesterday from injuries sustained when she was hit by a car late last week. Justeen had everything going for her - she was a happy, God-fearing young woman who always had a smile on her face. At just 20 years old, she was in graduate school for engineering and had plans to make the world a better place. And while I didn't know Justeen very well, I was heartbroken over this tragedy. I know that God doesn't always answer our prayers for healing, but I really wished he had this time.

As I was reflecting over the past week's entries in my prayer journal last night, I saw what I had written the day I found out about Justeen's accident. I wrote, "Put your healing hands over Justeen." I remember crying out to God to put his hands over her - wrap her up in his arms, suppress the swelling in her brain, hold her close, and heal her.

It wasn't until last night as I read those words that I realized God has healed Justeen. He healed her in the greatest way possible by taking her out of this decrepit world! As I pondered further, I saw that God answered my prayer exactly. I asked God to put his healing hands on Justeen, and boy did he! He used those healing hands to give her a new, perfect, pain-free body in Heaven. And the best part, God is literally wrapping his arms around Justeen right now! She gets to physically embrace her savior and feel his loving arms, warm embrace, and healing hands.

Justeen has it pretty made right now. It's the rest of us that have to suffer here on earth until we too get to see our Lord face-to-face and hug him.

And while I mourn for Justeen's family and this terribly heartbreaking loss, I also celebrate alongside them, knowing that Justeen is with Jesus and that we will get to worship with her in Heaven one day.

It's hard for us to understand why God wills things like this to happen, but there is always a master plan, and God knows what he's doing through it all. Already, I've seen how this tragedy has brought our community together in remembrance of this wonderful young woman. Everyone mentions how they remember her bright smile and servant heart.

What a legacy! As a final note, I urge you to live each day with the intent of furthering God's kingdom. We are not promised tomorrow; it's what you do today for God's glory that matters.

I won't say RIP Justeen, because I know you are having too much fun singing praises before Jesus right now to rest! I can't wait till I get to join you, but for now, I'll do my best to follow in your footsteps and bring Christ's light to everyone I meet. You continue to inspire us all.

"Dear No One" - A Letter to Mr. Right

God doesn't promise us a soul mate. He doesn't promise us a perfect marriage. Nowhere in the Bible does it say "Love God and He will provide you with an effortless relationship with the man/woman of your dreams."
So why do we keep acting like we're entitled by God to our ideal romance?

In essence, every relationship is just two incredibly imperfect people choosing to look past each other's imperfections and share in this imperfect life. Everything about this world is imperfect. That's why this is called earth and not heaven.
So why do we keep expecting a perfect individual to drop out of the sky and "complete" us with zero effort?

See, here's the thing: I don't think there's such a thing as a soul mate. I don't think there's one perfect person who I'm destined to be with. Yes, I'm destined to be with him in the sense that God knows the future and what will happen is willed by Him, but that's just the thing: whoever I end up with is who I was "destined" to be with.
I used to believe in the idea of a perfect soul mate. That there is someone out there who was made specifically for me. And while I do believe that there is someone out there who will understand me and make me happy, I also believe that many people could fill that role.
Many people fall into the trap of believing that there is one person out there that they're meant to be with, and they have to go out and find that individual. What a terrible amount of pressure that puts on us, doesn't it! And think about it: if you truly believe that there is only one person you could spend the rest of your life with, what's to keep you from constantly worrying that you've chosen the wrong one? What if "Mr. Right" came by but you missed him cause you were looking at "Mr. Now?!"
It's a good thing that it doesn't work that way.
I hate to break it to you, but Mr. Right is whomever you choose to be with. And many different people could be Mr. Right. I'm not trying to downplay the divinity of God's plan for you or how special finding a life partner is, but I'm just saying that no one is going to be that perfect person that you've been so longing for your entire life. You know why? Because he can't be Jesus. Humans are imperfect. That's kind of the name of the game.
We spend so much time fantasizing about the perfect romantic marriage that we believe we're entitled to, but that's not the way it works. Relationships are hard and they take work. So no matter who you choose to be with, it is going to take effort to have a successful relationship.
No one person is going to cause you to have a perfect relationship.
So, which imperfect candidate do you choose? Haha, I know: I little cynical. But I'm just trying to get across this point that human relationships weren't meant to be easy.
I'm so sick of people shrugging off their grief and disappointments about a broken relationship on God.
"Well, we just weren't meant to be. He wasn't the one God had planned for me. It didn't work out 'cause God has someone much better in mind."
No, it didn't work out 'cause you're two imperfect human beings who decided that the bads outweighed the goods in this one. And you know what? They always will, until you're willing to overlook enough of the bads and fight the rest of them. Because that's what a loving marriage is.
Now, I understand that some people aren't good matches for each other, and other people are totally compatible. But what if I told you that there are many people that you're compatible with? And what if I told you that in every single one of those relationships, you're going to want to give up. It's that one time that you finally decide that it's worth it to not give up and push through: that's "the one."
At some point, you just have to stop looking for that perfect person. You have to know and accept that there very well might be other people out there that you could spend the rest of your life with, but it doesn't very much matter to you anymore cause you found one of them. They're not perfect - that person doesn't exist - but they'll do. Well, they'll more than do.
You just have to stop looking. [Cause, I'll let you in on a little secret: he's not out there.]

Back to my original point. God doesn't promise us a perfect marriage/soul mate/partner. The end game in life is not marriage: it's to follow Christ with all we have and lead others to Him. Now, I wholeheartedly believe that marriage is part of God's desire for some of us, I just don't think that it's the top priority in our lives. And I also don't think marriage was ever meant to be perfect.
In one sense, in marriage, we get the chance to beautifully portray (if we do it right) how Jesus loves His bride - the church. But notice how that isn't the image of two perfect, compatible entities uniting. That's Christ - perfect holiness - refusing to let our sin and imperfection get in the way of his love for us. He had to work for us. He freaking died for us! And yet we still betray Him, refuse to believe Him, and ignore Him on the daily. Does that look like a perfect relationship to you? From Jesus' side it is. But that relationship requires work, and a whole lot of forgiveness. We have to pursue Christ, and He has to (chooses to, remarkably) love us despite our faults.
Now, of course our earthly relationships will never be anywhere near our relationships with Christ, but that's what we strive to portray in marriage - unconditional love (and submission) despite imperfections.

When Paul is talking to the church of Corinth about sexual relations, he basically says that it would be best for a man to be alone and stay physically pure (devoting all he has to the work of Christ). He suggests marriage only to say that a person should choose a spouse if he/she thinks that they will not be able to control their passions. AKA: If you don't think you can keep from being driven mad with sexual desires and end up shacking up with some random person, it would be best for you to get married so at least then, your sexual desires can be satisfied in a God-honoring fashion.
Doesn't sound very romantic, does it?
Marriage isn't the end-all of your existence - it's a beautiful, God-ordained experience, but it was never meant to be easy or perfect.
It's an opportunity to love someone else with a sliver of the love that Christ shows us, and to show someone else a sliver of the mercy He shows us every day.

Moral of the story: Mr. Right doesn't exist (and, just a hint, you're not Mrs. Right, either); choose your imperfect companion and stop waiting for miracle-man to drop from the sky; love that person with a God-filled love; work your tail off when things get tough, and never give up on the imperfect person you committed to.
Because Christ never gave up on that imperfect person He committed to when He died for you.

Momentary Weakness in the form of Reminiscence

The weirdest thing just happened.
And y'all, it's about to get real personal up in here.

At certain times late at night, I often find myself deep in thought, and occasionally, deep in reminiscence. This is not always a good thing.

Well, it just so happens that something brought to mind my former flame just a little while ago. I try to keep the reminiscence and reliving of old memories to a minimum, but this one I just couldn't help. I relived the time I first went to his house and spent the evening with his family. How he walked me to my car at the end of the night. How our hug unwound into the holding of both hands, how we gazed at each other for a bit, and how he gently leaned in to give me a sweet kiss (....or three).
I relived our most "grown up" date: a night on the town. How we walked through the park. We strolled by the amphitheater, hand-in-hand, and stopped by the stair rail, spending a little time there to enjoy each other's embrace. How we later sat down on a park bench for a discussion of life, intermingled with kisses. I recalled how he  gave me that look he was frequent to give me. He cocked his head to one side, and gave me a joke-mocking smile, as if to say "C'mon; that's not what you're really trying to say. Tell me the truth." Because he could always tell when I was holding back or being reserved. I always hated (and somehow loved) how he could always read my mind. There was no secret-keeping with him. Anyway, as I remembered that silly look, I felt this overwhelming emotion wash over me as tears sprang to my eyes.
I wept in remorse. And sure, I've had moments like these where I cry for what's been and what will be no more, but this was odd. It's odd because of what prompted the tears and outcry of sadness.
You see, I had just been reliving these other more intimate moments, kisses in the park, holding hands, etc., and yet what made me cry was the simple recollection of a side-cocked glance.
It's the little things.
I just miss the stupid small things of his personality. That special look that was just for me. It was nothing romantic or sensual by any means, but it was unique to our relationship. And it's things like that that I miss the most. I just miss our friendship. I mean, sure: I really miss smooches under the stars, and holding hands, and gentle caresses and whatnot, but I can live without those. And they'll come again someday in a different form (aka, a different guy). But the small quirks that are unique to him won't be there, and I miss those the most.
I'm not really sure why I share all this. I guess it was just an odd observation I had of myself. Having been "alone" now for almost half a year, I guess I expected myself to most miss the intimate affections, but in reality, I just miss the person. And that's all any relationship is: two people. Enjoy the simple things about each other. That's what makes your relationship unique. That's what you'll cherish. That's what I long to have back.

Reconciliation

Reconciling is probably one of the hardest things two people can do.

My favorite definition of the word reconcile is "to bring into agreement or harmony; make compatible or consistent."

When a relationship is broken, it's difficult to restore harmony. That's mostly because reconciliation requires humility. Someone has to say "Screw it; this relationship is more important than my pride. I'm going to take the blame for my actions and restore harmony in this situation." And that's exactly the lesson I've been having to learn lately.

The past few weeks (and months) have been really difficult for me. When I left home, I thought I had made significant progress in the hurts and feelings I'd been dealing with this year. However, as I left everything I had ever known, all my progress seemed to be flushed down the drain. I missed the people I love, and for the first time in my life, I felt completely alone. It was then that I started thinking back to prior relationships and things and people that I so longed to reconnect to, even though we hadn't been in communion for a while.

If you've read my blog for any length of time, you know that there was a certain romantic relationship recently that has effected me (and has been the sole inspiration for this blog, let's be real) over the course of the last half year or so. When I read back on things I've written about that individual, I cringe with embarrassment for who I've been. But that's slightly beside the point. Well, for a few weeks now, I'd really been convicted of how I'd been thinking of that person. You see, to keep myself from reminiscing and longing for that relationship again, I chose to hold onto hatred. Being angry and hateful was easier than being sad and lonely. It was like every time I thought of a nice happy memory, I had to back it with a reminder of times I'd been hurt so that I didn't dwell on the good, forgetting that it wasn't meant to be. But that quickly turned into me just being a bitter, hateful person.

Almost every night I prayed that God would help me move on without having to do so with hatred. Well, He basically showed me that that is up to me. I had to let go of the hatred first in order to move on. At church a couple Sundays ago, my pastor was talking about the heart of a believer and what it should look like. Let me share with you a few verses he used and then share how they touched me.

Romans 12:9 "Don't just pretend to love others. Really love them."

Galations 5:13 "For you have been called to live in freedom, my brothers and sisters. But don't use your freedom to satisfy your sinful nature. Instead, use your freedom to serve one another in love."

Ephesians 4:23 "Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you."

Wow, was I convicted. I had claimed to love this person, and yet I was thinking and spreading hateful thoughts about him. I was pretending to love him rather than actually loving him with a Christ-like love. The pastor mentioned how the overflow of the gospel is loving someone when it's hard; when people have what you wish you had, you must be genuinely happy for them. Well that struck a nerve. See, I had recently seen this individual and someone we both used to be very close with together on social media (which is from the devil, mind you) and I was filled with envy. Here I was, all alone, not knowing anyone, and there were two people who used to be such huge parts of my life (one of whom I was trying to get over, and the other who had a big part in our relationship) being flirty friends, happy together without me. It enraged me. And I was forced to face the question of how would I react if they were in a relationship? In my head I knew that I would have to be happy for them, but in my heart I wanted what they had.

Anyway, back to the sermon. I realized that the way I'd been feeling about them was wrong. If I truly loved them both, I would be happy for them even when they have what I want. I would love them when things are going for them how I wish they were going for me.
My pastor later spoke about forgiveness and unconfessed sin. See, it's really easy to go to God and ask for forgiveness, because we know that He'll always forgive us and love us no matter what. It is much harder to confess your sin to another individual or to go to someone you've wronged and ask their forgiveness.

So, for about a week, I wrestled with what to do. I knew that God was telling me to confess my sin to this guy. I felt as though that would be one of the last steps in my healing process: finally letting go of that hate and anger. And I knew that I needed to ask his forgiveness for the way I'd treated and thought about him so that we could move on.
However, I wanted to make sure I did nothing out of my own motives. I didn't want to use asking for forgiveness as a means just to get close to him and talk to him again. I wanted everything to be strictly because it was the right thing to do.

Well, that weekend (last weekend), I'd be going home and I knew that if this reconciliation was meant to happen, that would be the opportunity. (My home church pastor also spoke about bitterness and I was just like, "Okay, God. I get it." lol) I began to pray that if a meet-up was meant to happen, that God would prompt it from the other side and that He would make it super obvious for me what to do; I wasn't going to actively seek out the situation for fear of going outside "God's will."
It's funny how sometimes you think you have the perfect spiritual response to something and then God's just like, "Haha, you have it so wrong."

When I shared what I'd been dealing with with my church small group, our leader suggested I read the book "Just Do Something" which explains how you just have to pursue what you feel is right until God slams a door in your face to tell you to stop. Funny thing is, I had received this book as a gift for graduation but never read it. I downloaded the audio book and listened to it on my drive home. Boy, did it change my whole mode of thinking. I was kind of mad, to be honest. 'Cause this whole time, I'd been saying "God, it's in your hands; if it's meant to happen, make it happen," then in this book, I was told to stop being complacent, stop asking God to reveal the future to me, and get off my butt and just do something. So, that's what I did.
I took initiative. I texted this guy and asked if we could meet up. I told God "Alright, here I am, doing something. I know that apologizing is the right thing to do, so I'm going to pursue this, and if it's not what you want, he'll say no or it won't work out. But for now, I'm doing something about it."

We sat in that Starbucks for three hours.

It was probably the most wonderful thing that could have happened. We were able to be friendly and genuinely nice to each other while catching up. After some warm-up conversation, I brought up why I really wanted to meet with him. I expressed briefly what I've explained to you here, and asked for his forgiveness for the hatred I'd been holding onto. He was merciful to me in ways I don't deserve. And I think he really appreciated me coming to him and telling him that hey, yeah I hated you for a while, but I'm trying to let go of that and move on. He told me how while he didn't expect it to take this long, he kind of did expect it to take this long cause he's been there. We hashed out some things and were just really real with each other. In a good way.

What I had realized was that if we were ever going to be on good terms, I needed to take initiative and fess up to what I'd done. Psalm 34:14 says "Turn away from evil and do good; seek peace and pursue it." I had to seek and pursue peace. One thing my youth pastor used to always say (which I've recently discovered is a C.S. Lewis quote) is that we have to forgive the inexcusable in others as Christ has forgiven the inexcusable in us. Sure, this guy had done a lot of stuff wrong, and he hurt me like crazy, but I have to forgive him for those things just like Christ forgives me for all the crap I do to Him. When my home pastor talked about bitterness, he mentioned how you have to truly forgive people even when they don't ask for forgiveness, and our motivation to forgive must always be Jesus.
See, for a long time, I held onto my pride. I said "He'll never ask for forgiveness. I've done a lot less wrong than he has; why should I be the one to apologize?" but that's not the way the gospel works. I still struggle with forgiving him, but thankfully, he's been able to forgive me. And I knew that I had to be the one to swallow my pride and humble myself in apology if we were ever going to be on friendly terms.

Egos have no place in reconciliation.

It's been an ongoing struggle, and it's far from over, but at least I finally feel like I'm moving in the right direction. I don't have this burden of sour feelings and anger bottled up inside me. And I have hope that one day this guy and I can be friends. Truth be told, I'm already looking forward to Thanksgiving break when we can talk again. But I'm glad we were able to restore harmony, in a sense, and kind of move on from past hurts on both ends. That's not to say it won't hurt like crap when I see him and my old friend flirting and dating and whatever else they choose, but it means that I can consciously pursue a life of freedom from the bonds of past hurts. I can pursue peace in my heart and peace with those around me.

Let go of the hatred. Let go of bitterness. Let go of your pride. Embrace love from a pure heart. Embrace forgiveness. Pursue peace. Reconcile.

Because You; But I

I was so happy just to be with you
even though I wasn't happy
I wanted so badly to be everything you wanted
'cause you were everything I had dreamed of
And despite the glaring red flags of our incompatibility
I wanted so desperately to make us work

Because you were all I wanted
but I was just another name to add to the list

I told myself we were meant to be
despite being reminded daily that we were not
I tried to conform to your every need
and thus decided mine weren't important
And I was blinded by the sweet talk
while being let down by empty promises

Because you were my first love
but I was just an experiment

You tried to change me
and I wished that you could
I desired to be your ideal woman
knowing full well I would never live up
And it hurt me then, realizing I'm not her
yet it hurts me more today

Because I'll never be perfect for you
but you're still perfect to me

Progress: Baby Steps Toward Freedom

You gradually take your baby steps. Moving an inch at a time. Finally, advancing in the right direction.

And then you take ten huge steps backward.

Ever been there? It's the most frustrating thing in the world. Progress takes time, perseverance, and yes, most of the time progress takes pain. And in one little slip, all that progress goes down the drain. But you get back up. You keep pushing. You inch your way toward the goal - however easily-attained or far-fetched that may be.

For some of us, however, and in some situations, this process is far more taxing and slow-moving than we think it should be.

Break-ups happen. Fallings out happen. Families separate. Friends disappear. People move. But do you move on?

You think you're doing so well: You're getting better about not dwelling on the past; you don't think about *them* all the time; you're making those baby steps toward emotional freedom.

Then you see a picture.

You recall a memory.

You get a text.

You find a note.

And it all comes crashing down.

Everything you'd been building up, all the strength you'd been gaining, every emotional milestone you made comes crumbling down around you and you feel like you're back at square one.

You take ten steps back.

Isn't it amazing how one little thing can bring a whole ocean of feelings back into your heart and completely consume your brain in a flood of grief and confusion?

One step forward, ten steps back.

So what do you do when your progress is ruined? Do you give up? Do you give in? Hypothetical questions are my favorite 'cause they imply a "right" answer, when we all know the true answer is not such.

The truth is, you can't unlive what you've experienced. As much as we wish that we could go back and erase some parts of the past, we can't. We have to deal with pain that the past causes. Even if that means fighting at every turn the urge to give in and slip back into a former state of mind.

So, maybe you do give up. Maybe you allow yourself to give in for a moment. Deal with the grief. Reflect on the good, along with the bad. Allow yourself to take those ten steps backward. You know why? 'Cause then you get the wonderful chance to retrace your steps of progress. And the more times you make that same, exhausting trek, the easier it becomes. No, it doesn't always become less painful, but eventually you find the right footing, you slip and then you avoid that pitfall next time; you continue to make baby steps, because you learn more when you take baby steps forward than when you turn around and sprint toward the past.

It may be an easy place to go, and you might find yourself going there out of familiarity and comfort from time to time, but the past will never show you how strong you are when you're forced to face the mountain ahead. And you know what? On the other side of that mountain is HEALING. FREEDOM. HOPE.

So take baby steps if you must. And take ten steps backward; it's okay. Because you learn in the journey, and whether you make it to the top of the mountain or not, you will grow. You will get stronger. You will get tired, but you will be FREE.

The Little Things

Have you ever sat down and just appreciated the little things in life? The random, odd little things that are normally overlooked.
The other day, I was sitting at the piano, having just ceased attempting to learn a song (to little avail), and I began gently running the tips of my finger nails up and down the keys. *tick-tick-tick-tick-tick* Like the clinking of a roller coaster as it ascends, tension building with each click, as it climbs toward the inevitable fall which lies just beyond the crest of the hill. It really was pleasurable.
This got me thinking: what are the other random little things, some unique to me, others more commonly appreciated, that I find so enjoyable?
Of course, the only way for me to fully flesh out the topic was to take a seat on the Persian carpet in our old-fashioned living room, which anyone hardly enters except to pass through to the dining room, right in front of my darling typewriter, and begin typing. The product of such an experience is as follows:

I love the way it sounds
When I run my nails
Up and down the piano keys
Or how the scent of a loved one
Lingers on your hands
After they've gone
I love how in dead silence
You hear nothing so loudly
The slightest brushing of fabric
Its own symphony
When I sit in my car
After coming home
And in the dark,
Listen to the engine tick
As it and I wind down
And breathe a sigh of relief
After a long day
I love when it rains all at once
And is over
Before you can acknowledge it
How the pavement smells
After a brief storm
And steams in the glaring sun
I love when I hear
The shuffling of feet behind me
And know exactly who it is
That is making an approach
Or the sound that scissors make
As strands of your hair
Are carefully trimmed away
I love the way my bed feels
When I come home from a long trip
The cool sheets
Soft and familiar
Envelope the burdens of travel
And smell sweetly like home
When a room is quiet
And you hear the gentle ticking
Of a clock somewhere
In a forgotten corner
Reminding that you may stop the noise
But life, like time, moves on
I love the soft glow
Of a naturally lit room
As the afternoon sun
Illuminates gently
Through thin white curtains
I love how I can be satisfied
With the little things in life
Much too often over-looked
But admired by me
For their individually distinct beauty

Perhaps you don't need to dramatically type up a free-verse poem, but I encourage you to pay attention and be grateful for the little joys in your life. Some of the strangest everyday occurrences can bring the most peculiar joy to one's life. Sit in silence for a bit and take in the many small sounds, usually unnoticed, that come to life when they have no other noises with which to compete. You'll soon notice that tiny moments like this can bring pleasure to a typically mundane day. So, what are the odd little things that bring unintended joy to your life?

The Everyday Wish of the Over-Thinker

Ever wish you could just shut off? To stop thinking about every little thing?
I have this problem where I over-analyze everything and it causes me such stress. Sometimes, I wish I could just flip the power switch in my psycho-analytic brain and stop reading into everything that everyone says. I believe I would be much happier. But I can't.
Am I alone here, or do other people feel the same way?
Anyway, I wrote a poem about it. How I wish I could just turn it all off...

The Everyday Wish of the Over-Thinker:

Can you tell your brain
To shut up for a minute?
To stop the analyzing
Of more than what is in it
To flip a simple switch
Would bring me such great joy
To turn off for a day
Like a little child's toy
The wheels, they crank and turn
And cause such agony
Finding hidden meanings in
What's meant to be funny
But you can't stop the voices
They nag and they prod
They make you think you're crazy-
You're the only one that's odd
To have a conversation
Without hidden agendas
That require my decoding,
Would bring the joy silence does
The brain will keep rambling
And say "did he mean that?"
It will tell you stupid things
Like: "he really thinks you're fat."
If I could shut it off
Even for a moment
My mind would be much saner,
But still without atonement
Alas, you cannot turn off
You only can tune out
But can't stop analyzing
That which you care about

He Failed To See

He failed to see just how

Beautiful he was that day

He'd never felt the love

He had so often given away

Heart-broken

Too many times before

He chose to lock it up

Before it again hit the floor

The mirror he gazed into

Reflected former flings

Girls he so admired

But pushed him aside for better things

Never seeing his true value,

He instead closed the gate

Tried to hide how much

He wallowed in self-hate

The mask he wears says "prideful"

The persona says "self-centered"

But the costume came to pieces

When, once, a caring soul entered

He failed to see just how

Very much he had

The soul that called him perfect

Could never be more sad

His beauty was a mystery

But to only his own eyes

When praised, he scoffed the praiser

Disregarding his own demise

Perhaps a day will come

When a like-hearted being

Will show him his true value

And he'll believe what they've been seeing

But still he remains

Ignorant and cold

Because from the right person,

What he longs for hasn't been told

The affection he received

Couldn't have felt more wrong

For he wasn't ready to give

What he'd wanted all along

Being called perfect

Seemed more like a curse

He wasn't ready to accept

That love makes one's vision worse

The crooked way he saw himself

Didn't deserve a title like such

For the one who spoke, he saw crookedly too

And he could never care as much

Dozens of girls he so admired

Yet when admired in the same way,

He failed to see how beautiful

He was to her that day

Toxic

toxic
adjective
1. of, pertaining to, affected with, or caused by a toxin or poison: a toxic condition.
2. acting as or having the effect of a poison; poisonous: a toxic drug.

When you read the word toxic (and its description), what comes to mind? One might say toxic chemicals, such as cleaning supplies, or toxic waste found in a hospital. However, I think the most accurate use of the adjective toxic is when it is used to describe people.

Some people are just toxic presences in your life. Look at that second description: acting as or having the effect of a poison. Now, certainly, people's behavior isn't going to cause you to choke, keel over, and die. But, just how toxic has several meanings, the word poison also has a few different descriptions. Let's take a look:

poison
noun
1. a substance with an inherent property that tends to destroy life or impair health.
2. something harmful or pernicious, as to happiness or well-being: the poison of slander.

Now I feel like we can all see the correlation. There are people in life that impair our emotional health, and are harmful to our happiness. They have the effects of poison and are therefore toxic. The hardest thing to do is to realize that certain people are toxic; they are causing you pain and harming your emotional, physical, and spiritual well-being, and they do not need to be part of your life.

This is something I've had to come to grips with recently. There is an individual in my life that I have continually forgiven and given second and third chances, only to experience the same torture each time I let them back in my life. Each time, I take a sip of the poison, am scorched by the toxicity, and suffer immense trauma. That person is destroying my emotional life, impairing my mental health, and harming my happiness. They are toxic. And it's time to lower the toxicity level in my life.

Sometimes in life we run across such toxic people. In the end, they do nothing but harm you. And it is absolutely okay to let them out of your life. It's hard to let people go. Obviously they were in your life for a reason; something drew you to them (or them to you). Yes, you shared good times; yes, they once made you happy. But after all is said and done, they have caused more harm than good. It's time to get them out of your system. You have to look out for yourself, and realizing that some people are toxic and don't need to be a part of your life is the first step toward emotional freedom and well-being.

Replace them with people who are the opposite of toxic:

wholesome

adjective

1. conducive to moral or general well-being; salutary; beneficial: wholesome recreation; wholesome environment.
2. conducive to bodily health; healthful; salubrious: wholesome food; wholesome air; wholesome exercise.

These are the people who have been there for you since the beginning and are always there for you. They probably tried to warn you about that toxic person in your life, because wholesome people are constantly looking out for your best interest and can sense when a harmful presence is venturing into their territory.

Listen to those wholesome presences in your life, and begin recognizing the toxic ones.

Toxic people will always cause you harm in the end because it's in their nature. You can't keep letting these toxic people back into your life, expecting it to turn out differently this time.

It is a fool who sips poison and expects to benefit from the experience.

Get that toxicity out of your life and finally allow yourself to heal.

Why Do I Care?

Why?

Why do I care about people who continually treat my like garbage?

Sometimes it feels like a cruel joke God plays, making us care for and love people who are just so awful for us. They hurt you, and you say, "That is it! I am so through with them! They don't deserve me and I'm out!" and then a couple days/weeks pass and you're wondering how they are. You see that their grandma is sick and you want to comfort them and ask if they're okay. But sooner or later, you remember why you swore them off in the first place. You begin to question and internalize everything: What did I do wrong? Why does my caring offend them so much? I have done nothing but love them; why do they continually push me away? 

I strongly believe that God gives us certain feelings for a reason. No, it's not just some cruel game. Sometimes He allows us to care deeply for people who couldn't care less about us, because that person needs love, whether they accept yours or not. And frankly, that's kind of how we treat Him. He loves us to no end, yet we ignore Him, curse Him, grow confused as to why He even loves us because we deserve nothing, etc. Perhaps loving the unlovable is just God giving us a taste of what we give Him everyday.

Eventually, I hope I see the bright side to all of this. For some reason, I care so strongly about this one individual who has tried and tried to push me away. They say that it isn't fair; that it's not right for me to care so much about them when they aren't willing to return the favor. It actually makes me sick for them to say that they can't be my friend because they don't deserve me, when I've already decided that they're worth my time. But I guess it would be suffocating for someone to care about you and want the best for you when you don't feel the same way....

But in all honesty, you are going to receive a lot of love in your life that you don't deserve. I mean, for Pete's sake, Christ gave up His life for you - a filthy rag. Stop telling yourself that you're undeserving of the affection that others show you. Even if that's true, it doesn't matter. Don't feel guilty that someone cares about you when you treat them like crap; be grateful that they're even willing to put up with you. Accept the love that others have to offer, 'cause there will be times when no one cares about you. Those are times when you'll wish that you had let those other people love on you while you had the chance. And you know what? There will be times when you care for someone who doesn't care for you. And you'll continue to love them because you know that they need it, because you needed it when you didn't want it.

Let others care for you, otherwise you'll never be able to care for others.

Keep caring for those who don't care, because caring for someone, no matter how painful, is always worth it when you consider the amount of love that you've been shown when you didn't deserve it.

Sweet But Short

Short and sweet,
Sweet but short
Love at last
Or a last resort?

Friends forever
But never friends
True love lasts
Until true love ends

Keep it simple
Simply a mess
Love from the heart
Causes heart stress

Two peas in a pod
Mind your own Qs and Ps
Easy to love
Yet let go with ease

Heaven-made match
Matches hell's heat
Queen to his king
Or king of deceit?

Hopeless romantic
Hopeful doubter
Voices speak words
Actions speak louder

Love is blind
Blind leads another
Attached at the hip
Disattached brother

Live to love
Love, yet live
The best gift
You'll never give

Identity Crisis

The other day, I was exploring on my YouVersion Bible app (Side note: Can we just mention how sucky it's been since the latest update?! Anyway....) and I discovered a note I had made in February. At the time, I was going through a series on loneliness and had just read Isaiah 43:1-3,5. I wrote this note before any of the major drama in my life occurred (all the crap you've been reading about over the last two months or so), and it astounds me just how relevant it is to me right now. Here is, word-for-word, what the note said:

My identity is not found in a man, my friends, my family, my teachers, my grades, my hobbies; my identity is found in Christ alone. He has redeemed me and I am HIS! I will not fear for what the future holds, for God's timing is perfect in all things and he will take care of my every need. God I give you control. Rip it from me because in my own hands, my life is a mess. Only you can make my life right. Take control in my life and have your way with me. Thank you for redeeming me. I love you.

Wow. See, at the time, I was dealing with the rejection of a boy I had fallen super hard for (huh, kind seems relevant, at the moment ;). And again, this lesson I had to keep learning, over and over again, was that my identity is not found in others. My happiness cannot be dependent on others. My worth is not based on others! My identity is found in Christ. And, once again, I've recently fallen into the pit of forgetting that the only way for me to be truly satisfied is for me to run to Jesus and lay my burdens and my life at his feet.

So many times I find myself trying to find my identity in things other than Christ, and I think many people these days struggle with that as well. I try to base my identity in the boy I'm with (or not with), or the people I hang out with. I try to find solace in grasping the things I like, claiming they are what make me who I am. I desperately try to get good grades and take pride in my hard work and accomplishments, thinking that my identity is found in my being a good student. But really, all of that doesn't matter. Sure it's important to be proud of your hard work, to love your friends, and enjoy certain things that make you unique, but if you are running to those things in order to find yourself, you will only run deeper and deeper into the woods until you realize you are more lost than you were to begin with.

So it was really refreshing to read this little reminder from my past self. The God of the universe holds me in His hands :) People will let me down, they will hurt me more than they'll ever know; Men will break my heart, friends will betray me, family will grow distant, teachers will persecute me. Earthly pleasures and prides will fade; My grades won't matter in ten years, no one will care that I got straight A's in high school, I won't be able to play the sports I like, I'll lose interest in the artists I like now, the hobbies I have will become dull and pointless in time. The point is, none of the things I try so desperately to place my identity in will last. And if I'm finding my identity in things that will fade, what happens to me when they're gone?

That's why I have to remind myself to find my identity in Christ.
As much as I'm a broken-hearted girl, a single lady, theatre geek, English nerd, Phantom of the Opera fanatic, three-musketeer, Barbra Streisand listener, Billy Joel lover, home schooler, got-my-associates-with-a-4.0-while-still-in-high-school - er, I am a child of God first. Without Him, I wouldn't have been able to do or enjoy any of the things I've listed here. Without Him, my life is a mess. Granted, with Him, sometimes my life is a mess, but that's because sometimes I try to take control. And then He's always there with forgiving, open arms to clean it all up when I finally realize that I can't do squat on my own.

So, no matter what you may identify with, remember that your identity is found in the one who will never let you down, never fade away, and NEVER forget about you. As long as you give Him the reigns and completely surrender control, He'll never steer you wrong. <3

Post-Breakup in the 21st Century

And every time I hear my phone buzz, 

I secretly hope it's you.

And 100 "likes" but none from you 

might as well be one or two.

I still check my chat every once in a while, 

just to see if you're online.

Wondering who you're up talking to, 

when that face you're lookin at ain't mine.

And every time I hear a similar voice, 

my heart skips a beat.

And when I see you in the distance, 

my face can't hide the heat.

Every time I see you post online, 

my chest pounds with anxiety.

I hope my posts do the same to you, 

though that might be impropriety

I search your name but never follow, 

just to see what you've updated.

Yet I expect you to like and comment 

though most of your words I've hated.

And every time I hear a metal song, 

I feel slightly sick inside.

And all the things you introduced me to 

are ruined by my pride.

Even still, when this boy is texting me, 

I wish it were my former boo.

I can't call anyone else my angel, 

cause that title was always just for you.

A notification, and I feel 

my subconscious hope begin to rise.

It'll never be from whom I want it to be, 

still I look with wishful eyes.

A buzz, a beep, a bell, a boing 

- remind me I'm not over us.

I'm tired of wishing you still acted friendly, 

when all I do is fuss.

And every time I listen to Lullabye, 

I'm reminded of you-know-who.

Sweet memories used to lull me to sleep, 

now I stay up missing you.

You'll update your status, 

perhaps it's something I should like.

Maybe if you see my name, 

in your chest you'll feel a strike.

Sometimes I remember the hurt 

and your name brings up the hatefulness.

Other times I reflect on sweet moments and 

my heart somehow fills with gratefulness.

And every time I hear my phone buzz, 

I secretly hope it's you.

Please just like my silly post; 

I really hope you do.

I'm Broken Inside...

One of the wonderful quirks that God has blessed me with is that I randomly think of song lyrics to songs I haven't even heard in a really long time. I think this is one way I'm able to cope with situations because usually, when in a stressful or painful situation, a verse from an old worship song will pop in my head and I'm able to praise God and ask for His help right in that moment.

Yesterday was no different. I was at work, kind of having a rough time and dealing with some awkward cold-sholderness from a coworker. And as I've mentioned recently, I've been dealing with some personal issues and difficult situations. I was standing at the register during a lull between customers when a song popped into my head. It's one song that frequently comes to mind when I need the Lord's guidance. It expressed just what I was feeling that night. I began singing in my head:

Give me strength to trust what you say:
That you're good, and your love is great.
I'm broken inside-

But then I struggled to remember the next line. I re-sang the chorus and tried to think of the next part: I'm broken inside.....I need you tonight? I need your life? None of that fit.
Finally, after singing it over and over again, the lyric came to me:

I'm broken inside, I give you my life.

As soon as I heard those words, the Lord's voice hit my like a ton of bricks.
This is exactly what I do when I'm in trouble: I express my pain - I'm broken inside - and then I try to beg God to fix it. In my head, the next part to that line was me telling God I need him to mend my heart. And while it's perfectly okay to express your extreme need for Christ, it's not always about just requesting his help on the spot.
When your heart is broken and you feel crushed inside, it's time to take your life and hand it over to Christ.
We cannot fix our pain by trying to do it ourselves and asking God to give us what we need while we handle it in our own way. We have to completely surrender our control over the situation to him. And man did I need to hear that. Lately, with all that's been going on, I've been trying to take things into my own hands and fix the situation. I've been crying out to God saying, "I need your peace of mind, I need your wisdom, I need your strength, I need your life, I need you tonight" all the while, still clutching the reigns. When instead, I should have said, "Here I am, God. Here are my broken pieces. Here's my crumbling heart. Here is this painful and confusing situation. I give my life to you. Take it, fix it, do what you want with it because I can't handle it on my own."
See, recovering from our brokenness is less about asking God to give us what we need, and more about letting go of what little we have so that he can restore us to ten thousand fold what we would be able to achieve on our own.
God, give me the strength to trust what you say; to trust what you're doing in my life, whether I understand it or not.
You have told me time and time again that you are good and know what's best for me. Your love goes beyond words and no matter what, you will take care of me.
God, I am so broken inside; I have been hurt, crushed, and my life is in shambles. I'm falling apart and falling down at your feet. I give you my life, take these pieces, take what little I have been trying to hold onto and make me whole again.

I'm broken inside...I give you my life.

 

Mathematics of a Shakespearean Sonnet

I did this little project for my math class, but I thought it was worth sharing. It's actually incredibly interesting. The task was to find the mathematics behind a Shakespearean Sonnet.

           This study of Shakespeare's sonnets was of extreme interest to me. I love poetry, both reading and writing it. I had no idea there was such a mathematical formula behind Shakespeare's work and it's fascinating to see how strict it is. I am also awed by the difficulty level that it creates. As someone who has frequently written poems, I understand that rhyme schemes are sometimes difficult to follow. Such a strict one, coupled with the strict iambic pentameter consisting of a certain set of syllables, would certainly be too difficult for me to follow. I really enjoyed finding the mathematics behind Shakespeare's sonnets and perhaps I will attempt to use them sometime in the near future.

           Shakespeare's sonnets have a unique and distinct pattern throughout them. One might not think of poetry as having mathematical characteristics, but these sonnets certainly do. The pattern Shakespeare uses is ruled strictly by numbers. These sets of numbers add character to the poem, while also making the writing process much more difficult because they set harsh guidelines that the writer must work around. Luckily, these boundaries were not a problem for Shakespeare, as he wrote 154 sonnets using the exact same mathematical pattern.

           Each sonnet contains fourteen lines. For the first twelve lines, they rhyme every other line, with the last two rhyming with each other. The rhyme scheme is as follows: abab cdcd efef gg. This puts the lines in groupings of 4, 4, 4, and 2. Such a rhyme scheme is used to put emphasis on the last two lines; usually a shocking conclusion.

            Another numeric pattern within Shakespeare's sonnets occurs within the lines themselves. The rhythmic pattern used is known as iambic pentameter. An iamb is a metrical foot consisting of one unstressed syllable, and one stressed syllable. The lines are pentameters because they each contain five of these iambs. So, within each line, Shakespeare has ten syllables, five stressed and five unstressed, creating five iambs that complete the pentameter.

            If one looks deep enough, they can find the numbers behind anything. Poetry is certainly no different. Shakespeare's sonnets have a distinct pattern, ruled by numbers and a strict poetic formula. Such numeric restrictions result in beautiful poetry that flows effortlessly and entices the reader.

Sonnet: L(lines) S(syllable) I(iamb) P(pentameter)

            10S = 5I = 1P = 1L     1I = {2S}        1P = {5I, 10S}             1Sonnet = {14L, 14P}

             

            nS = nL X (nI X 2)     or         nS = nP X 10

"Shakespeare, Mathematics & The Sonnets." No Sweat Shakespeare. N.p., n.d. Web. 4 June 2014. <http://www.nosweatshakespeare.com/shakespeare-mathematics-the-sonnets/>.

"Shakespeare's Sonnets By William Shakespeare About Shakespeare's Sonnets." About Shakespeare's Sonnets. N.p., n.d. Web. 4 June 2014. <http://www.cliffsnotes.com/ literature/s/shakespeares-sonnets/about-shakespeares-sonnets>.

New Chapter/Literary Inspirations/Two Sides

Wow, a lot has happened since I last wrote.
Well, actually not that much has happened, just one big thing.
I had my heart broken. Not that you should really care. And I'm sure that once I've grieved and had time to get over it, I'll write a nice lengthy post about the things I've learned and whatnot. Buuuut I'm not there yet ;)
I'm still a little salty.
And even though heartbreak freaking SUCKS, there are many good things that can come out of it if you let them. I'm starting this new chapter in my life and taking time to pursue me and the things I love. I have time and energy and love to give the wonderful people I haven't seen in a long time. So there's something good that's come out of my heartbreak. And the wonderful thing about heartbreak to a creative person like myself, is that it is a never-ending pot of literary inspiration :) So here's a poem I whipped up today (one of many that seem to be swirling around in my head lately).
I began using a new concept for this piece. Instead of using a rhyme scheme, I chose to use words that have multiple meanings. This expresses in a way how something can look one way from one angle, and then be totally different from a different angle (kind of like my relationship.... :P). There are positive and negative sides to everything: situations, people, and words.

Two Sides

Your callous hands held my heart
Your callous heart broke it
Heartless you were with my feelings
Heart-less I am now without one

Your cold fingers stroked my arm
Your cold heart twisted it
Your cleaving gave me hope
But your cleaving brought me despair

Your heated passion held me close
Your heated temper pushed me away
You were careless then with my emotions
I couldn't care less now if you're hurting

Your available shoulder caught my tears
Your cold shoulder caused them
Meaningless were my words to you
Yours are meaning less to me every day

Your sharp wit caused us to cut up
Your sharp tongue cut up my heart
Dashing, once, I thought you were
Dashing my hopes, you were at last

Helplessly Dependent (on Christ)

I'm realizing I need to do more things for myself. Not out of selfishness, but really, I just need to take care of myself and my feelings.
You see, lately I've struggled with independence. The funny thing is, I've always been very independent from my parents - I always did my own laundry, made my own food, dealt with my own schedule, drove myself where I needed to go, took care of problems at school/work by myself, etc. - but when it comes to good friends or love interests, I'm highly dependent.
I've talked about this before, but again I've fallen into the trap of putting my happiness in the hands of those that will never be able to fully satisfy me. Because people can't give me the satisfaction like Jesus can. He's the only one who can make me feel worthy of love and life. So why do I keep relying on others to make me feel worthy? Because as humans, we crave the approval of others. I just hate that I've let myself come to this point.
My problem is I fall really hard. I fall in love really hard. I fall into friendships really hard. When I find someone I connect to, I can't help but feel attached to them in a crazy way, because it's rare that someone understands me so completely, so when I find that person, I don't want to let go. The problem with that is I end up being a bit possessive. It's a character flaw I've had to deal with my whole life. Maybe some of you can relate. But I've always been a bit of the jealous type, and that coupled with my insecurity has left a whole mess of fights and inner turmoil. When a friend doesn't reach out to me first, I start thinking that they don't want to hang out - that they some how hate me all of a sudden. It's only worse when that friend is a boyfriend. Because when we're apart, my mind goes crazy (see last post, lol), and I start over-thinking everything. But after a recent discussion, I've realized that I have an unhealthy dependence on someone who cannot take the place of Jesus. He's not perfect, he can't be there all the time, he can't satisfy my cravings for unconditional love. He's only human. And when I came to this realization, I knew what had to be done.
I have to put all of myself in Jesus. As I told a friend, for a moment I thought I was going to lose this special person, and that scared the crap out of me because I realized I had put so much of myself into them, that if I lost them, I would be losing a huge chunk of myself. I need to put all of me into Jesus so that no matter what happens, I will always be complete in Him.
So, back to my original point: I need to start doing more things for myself.
Instead of constantly thinking about the people I love (which isn't always a bad thing, but when my mind is focused on one person, obsessively, it's a problem), I need to spend time with my First Love and grow in my relationship with Him. I need to invest in the other great friendships that have lasted through years and trials. I need to go to the gym with my gym buddies and take care of myself physically. Really, during this transition time, I need distractions to remind myself that I am more than just one relationship. But in the end, I really am just one relationship, only it's the one I have with Jesus, not one here on earth.
As this wise man told me, "I am not the center of your life, and if I am, then something is wrong."
.....Boy, did that hit home. Because he reminded me that Christ has to be the center of my life, and lately, He hasn't been. But starting right now I want Him to. You guys hold me accountable :)
Anyway, I share all of this to maybe give you hope. Your identity is found in no one else but Christ. I feel like this has become a recurring theme in my blog... guess it's a lesson I keep having to learn. Maybe one day it'll stick.
So invest in your relationship with Christ. Invest in your relationship with yourself. Stop feeding yourself the lies of how awful you think you are. Listen to those around you who love you. They're telling the truth when they say you're smart, talented, and beautiful. But if you're relying on those people to make you feel smart, talented, and beautiful, you'll never feel such. You have to believe it for yourself and trust what God has already said about you in His word.
If you find yourself, as I have, obsessively focusing on one person or one relationship, try to avert your attention to the One who made you and loves everything about you. That text does not need to be sent right now. If they don't respond, it doesn't mean they hate you. Don't let yourself be consumed by the never-ending need to be reaffirmed by others of your worth.
Geez, will I ever come to a conclusion? (Almost there.)
This morning was the first day of my "big change." The beginning of my commitment. I was feeling really poopy and just needed to hide my nose in my bible (which I'll probably do again after I finish up here). As I looked for some encouraging words from Daddy, I ran across this passage:

"Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength." Deuteronomy 6:5

I have read this verse all my life, but it finally hit home today. God requires my everything. If I'm giving part of my heart away to a person, whether it's my boyfriend, best friend, or family member, I can't give God my whole heart. I have to love Him with everything I have, so I have to hold onto all my heart, all my soul, and all my strength so I can give it to Jesus. I can't give away parts of myself so flippantly. Lately, I've been putting so much energy into an unhealthily obsessive relationship, and that's not going to do any good. I need to use that energy, the passion, loyalty, and crazy love that I have to grow closer to the One who is the only one who can reciprocate those feelings, and a thousand fold.
Alright, I guess I'm finally concluding. I need to do more for myself and take care of my heart, because it's God's and I have no right to go ripping up and tossing out pieces of His property.
Take care of yourself today. Do something nice for yourself that will help you love yourself and love God. In the end, that's all that's left, so invest right now in the only eternal relationship you'll have. <3

Self-Forgiveness

To Forgive - to stop feeling anger toward someone who has done something wrong : to stop blaming someone. (Merriam-Webster Dictionary)

We are all familiar with the idea of forgiveness. The above definition is probably nothing new to you. Until, that is, you turn it around and apply it to yourself. You see, recently, I've been struggling with forgiving myself. I make mistakes all the time, and normally it's no big deal. The other day, however, I did something stupid. Embarrassing. Regretful. And even though the people involved were quick to tell me I was forgiven and it was no big deal, I haven't been able to really let it go. I honestly think it's sometimes easier to forgive others than it is to forgive yourself. And the thing that sucks about that, is you have to deal with your own self-condemnation and guilt, which is tenfold what others can evoke from you. So, I'm on a mission to forgive myself.

Look at the deffinition above and plug yourself in there. Stop feeling anger toward yourself when you've done something wrong; Stop blaming yourself. And sure, it's important to care about it when you mess up, but once you've received the forgiveness of those involved, you have to forgive yourself and let it go. I struggle with beating myself up over little things, and it's so unhealthy. These types of behaviors only turn you into a bitter, depressed person. And frankly, failing to forgive yourself turns you into someone others don't want to be around. No one enjoys the presence of a self-destructive, negative person. If you're constantly saying things like "I'm such a screw-up. I shouldn't have done that. This is so embarrassing!" people are going to get sick of you. Others enjoy confidence. So don't dwell on things from the past; you can't change them now. The only thing you can do is ask for forgiveness, forgive yourself, and move on, showing others how strong and resilient you are. And I say all these things to myself, cause I need to learn how to move on. Luckily, I have people around me who love me and are quick to forgive and comfort. 

And mistakes are usually not a big deal! The great thing about mistakes is that you can learn from them. I have learned many valuable lessons about how to handle myself from mistakes I've made. If you never make a mistake, you'll never grow. So don't beat yourself up over making a mistake, 'cause now you are stronger and wiser for it. And you're pretty awesome, so don't let that insecure little kid inside of you tell you differently ;) The moment you stop feeling anger toward yourself is the moment you're able to learn and move on. And you'll likely find that you were the only one judging and blaming yourself all along.

Forgive yourself and forget the crime, but never forget the lesson.

Spring

A time of transformation

A time of reflection

As flowers bloom

Into glorious perfection

Sweet songs are sung

By my feathered friends

How I missed their dear melodies

In days of fierce winds

Earth is beginning

To make a change

As bleak and black shift

Into a more colorful range

A time of rebirth

A time of rededication

Perhaps a time

Of renunciation

As Earth sheds her coat

Of clouds and of cold

Suppose we as well

Should forsake ways of old

Winter thoughts - 

Sad and gloomy - 

Shall turn to spring thoughts,

Both glad and roomy

Partners in life

May change their position

Once potential lovers,

Now friends by tradition

Inhale the new air

Acknowledge Earth's breath

As she makes an effort

To wake from death

A time to think back

A time to remember

All the mistakes you made

And turn them to ember

Move on from now

Take note from the tree

Her old leaves were shed

But now blossoms she sees 

Life makes a change

But 'tis life none the less

Though pain she does bring,

Feel life's gentle caress

Though at times it is hard

To see meaning in storms

Know they bring beauty

When a new season forms

The cold gave us

New appreciation

For the little signs

Of Earth's recreation

A flower bud before

Might have been neglected

But now it brings joy

And will not be rejected

A time of hope

A time of laughter

Looking ahead

To the warmth hereafter

Accepting new roles

Both outside and in

A shift for the better

And forgetting our sin

Life, love

Inspiration

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Interpersonal Personalities

The other day, a good friend of mine introduced me to the study of personality types. I was instantly interested and read on the subject for hours.

It started with me taking a simple personality test [you can take the same one here]. At first I was a bit skeptical. I mean, how can a silly online test determine my personality type? But when I saw my results and read the description, I was amazed at how accurate it was.
I got the type ENFP, which 16personalities.com briefly describes, "They seek meaning and are very interested in other people’s motives, seeing life as a big, complex puzzle where everything is connected. Not surprisingly, ENFPs tend to be very insightful and empathic individuals. This, plus their charm and social skills, often makes them very popular and influential."

Now, not everything exactly matched up with how I act, but some things were so spot on, it's scary. Such as how ENFPs "Overthink things. ENFPs always look for hidden motives and tend to overthink even the simplest things, constantly asking themselves why someone did what they did and what that might mean."
I am notorious for seeking hidden meanings which aren't even there.

Anyway, I tell you all this because I feel like we can learn a whole lot about other people by learning their personality type. It can help you see how they function and how to best interact with them. See, my friend is an INFJ, and thought I might be too. And while some of the INFJ characteristics perfectly describe me, the overall idea of INFJ just doesn't fit me. However, by reading about how INFJs function and think, I was able to learn about my friend and better understand the reasons why they act the way they do. Turns out, our personality types are very compatible, which we already knew, but it was kind of cool to find out on an official, psychological level.

It's really important to try to learn about and understand other people and their personalities, even if you don't know their "type." Remember that people function very differently and just because someone handles certain situations in a way that may seem odd to you, it doesn't mean they are any better or worse than you. Be open and accepting of people who have different personalities as yourself and remember that your differences allow you to gain from each other what you lack.

I highly suggest you take a test and read up on your personality type. It's very eye-opening. But remember that no one knows you better than yourself, so if you take a test but after reading several personality type descriptions feel like you fit a different type, don't be afraid to take that type on as your own. However, I find that these profiles are very accurate. Reading about the different types will also help you learn about why you're attracted to certain people and why certain relationships just seem to work, while others don't.

Have fun! I hope you enjoy exploring personalities as much as I do :)

Miracles, Michaels, and Mormons

As its title may suggest, this is a three-part post today.
Tonight my two best friends visited me at work and we hung out after I got off. We decided to go to Starbucks (where else would a blogger go to hang out with friends, lol) and just got to talking.

We started talking about miracles. Anna brought up something a friend of ours had said, "Miracles are subjective." And it's so true. When people today think of the word miracle, we think of big, grande, "God-acts." But miracles are subjective. You never know how the tiniest thing could be a miracle to someone else. Miracles don't have to be these unexplainable acts of power; they can be something as small as giving someone a couple bucks when they need it. You never know what someone has been struggling with and praying for. Take a second and look around for the tiny miracles in life. Look for the tiny chances to be a miracle in someone's life.
In today's society, people are constantly looking for excuses for miracles. They are always trying to say that these certain things could have happened naturally. And it's not that the miracles of the bible or miracles of today couldn't happen on their own, but it's that God allows them to happen at just the right time to just the right people. You can explain miracles without God, but you can't explain the timing or impact.

Then comes the second M - Michaels. We began discussing relationships and people. Michael is a guy I work with who both of them got to know tonight. (I also ran into my youth pastor named Michael tonight, so that explains the plurality.) Anyway, we talked about friendships. For some reason, lately, the three of us have been fixated on discovering each of our stereotypical roles in our friendship. We've decided that I'm the loud drama queen, Anna's the wise advice giver, and Kaylee's the reserved one who observes. The great thing about our dynamic is that we each bring something different to the friendship. It's all about realizing that you're important in any relationship, and accepting that your differences mean that you can gain from each other what you do not poses yourself. My over-dramatic personality brings excitement to our friendship, and I'm able to gain wisdom from the two of them. It just works.
Along the lines of Michael, we talked about guys (I mean, how could we not?). Anna, being the wise advice giver that she is, mentioned how important it is that a guy falls in love with your spirit and the things most important to you. That's true love; not based on physical attraction or forced relations, but a pure, spiritual connection. Something I think a lot of girls (and guys, I presume) struggle with is wanting to ask nagging questions. Like when you're trying to get a guy to say something, and you ask him these questions that you already have a pre-formed answer to, but he's not going to say what you want to hear. And even if he did, what would it be worth when you practically forced him into it? If someone loves you, they're going to tell you the answers you want to hear before you even have to ask.

Then we talked about Mormons. I recently became friends with a Mormon at school and we talked about him. But really what was interesting is how well this Mormon friend of mine was able to defend and back up what he believes. It made me feel ashamed that I can't as adequately defend my beliefs. And both of us know that we're not going to convert the other, which is kind of why we can discuss our beliefs in a rational way. It made me think about the importance of sometimes just sitting back and listening. It's really important to learn about other people and other cultures. Don't ignorantly block out the rest of the world just because they don't believe exactly as you do. That's just downright dumb. How will you ever be able to defend yourself if you never listen to what you're defending against?
Plus, learning about other people is fun! It's really interesting to me to learn about other peoples' beliefs and what's important to them. You'll be amazed at what you get to know about someone just by listening.

Anyway, that was my night. And boy was it amazing :) I feel so blessed to have amazing people in my life who balance me out so perfectly. People who I can discuss literally anything with, and feel no judgement. That's true friendship.

Poems of the Past

Today I found my old box of papers from growing up. It contains old homework assignments, pamphlets from shows I was in, notes from events I attended, and most interesting, songs and poems I wrote as a kid.
Here are some of those poems. I wish they all had dates, but they don't, so I've tried to guess and write an estimate as to how old I was at the time of writing each one. Hope you enjoy :)

 The Birdie (App. Age 11)
There was a little birdie
That sat upon a tree
And watched the people go by
As happy as can be.
But then one day a lady,
Just like you and me,
Walked by very sadly,
So the birdie could see.
The birdie went to greet her,
So sad and depressed,
He just said "hello" and
Showed her his new nest.
He said, "You can be happy,
Happy just like me.
If you just enjoy life and
Love your family!"
But then the lady told him,
In such a sorrow tone,
"You see, I have no family
Of my own."
The little birdie listened,
For a good listener was he.
Now the birdie was sad,
As sad as sad could be.
He thought for a moment,
And went back to his tree.
He brought down his nest and said,
"Well, you can stay with me!"

*Here is a poem I wrote, probably around age 13. It's rather dark for young girl to write, but I've always loved it*
Don't cause me to stumble,
Only lift me up
Stop tearing my down,
Fill up my cup

I'm stranded and alone
'Cause you won't save
I'm quietly dying,
'Cause of how you behaved

Why let me suffer
Don't you love me?
Can you even see
That I am so needy

I need a hand
Please lift me high
You push me down
And tell me a lie

Say you're too busy
And push me away
Ignore my plea,
Wait 'til another day

So now I'm dying,
And it'll be your fault
As I take my last breath
And life comes to a halt

Now don't you wish
You had reached out
And answered the call
To my crying shout

I am now dead

The Quest for Love (App. Age 12) - This has always been one of my favorites.
Searching, reaching
Only beseeching
Where are you love?
Come from above
Love, don't hide,
Don't be disguised
I need you now
I'll find you, how?
Torn and tattered,
My heart shattered
Aching, throbbing,
My eyes, sobbing
Love's needed here
It's gone, I fear
Looking around
Love is not found
Could it be true?
Love comes from you?
Why, now I see!
God, you love me!
What's this feeling?
My heart's healing!
My quest complete.
Lord, guide my feet
But all along
You sang a song
Asked for my heart
As it fell apart
Now all is well,
From me, I fell
Into your arms
There are no harms
I have no quest
God, you're the best
My life is whole
You have my soul

 When my brother went off for his first semester of college, he suffered severe back pain. He had a ruptured, herniated disk (which would later be corrected through surgery) and could not sit or stand for more than half an hour before the pain became too much to bear. He would lie on his back on the floor in class and hold up a notebook to take notes. And he had always been such an active, daredevil guy, but no one at school could see that side of him. Anyway, I wrote this poem for him in school. We later sent it to him and he said it made him cry, a pretty big deal.

A Brave Brother (App. age 14)

He's out of the house, he's finally gone,
Though I thought I'd feel different, on that morning's dawn.
Now he's somewhere new, and struggles getting out of bed,
I'm sure some days he feels like he's dead.

Every day is a challenge, which he pushes through,
Though the pain strikes his back, and it's hard for him to do.
All the doctors visits, and trying to find relief,
But he's very good at disguising his grief.

He tries to get work done, and tries to have fun,
But he can't really sit, jump, stand, or run.
We know him to be athletic and sleep in a tree,
But there, the real Tyler Beasley, no one can see.

He is brave every day; he is strong and tough,
Knowing that tomorrow will be just as rough.
We knew him to be brave by doing crazy stunts,
But now he is brave by relying on what God wants.

The following poems are from an English class I took in 8th or 9th grade.

True Friend
Mightily true,
She shares her faith
Shared what she knew,
Presented strength
She kindly builds up,
Dwells close with the Lord
He fills her cup
With his great word.

Love Everlasting
True love is found
In God alone
When bells shall sound
And mercy shown.

Though hard to find,
Love is not hidden
If you keep in mind,
It is not forbidden

Search and endure
What troubles lie ahead
And you will be sure
To find love instead.

Then two shall meet
When love conquers defeat.

Winter's Kiss
Cold white snow
Warm burning wood
Family we know
Friends that we should

Christmas at last
Winter's finest day
Frigid days have passed
And kissed the year away

Beauty
They say, "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder"
But everyone knows beauty dies as you get older.
Beauty is not for people alone
No, beauty, throughout the world, is shown.
Beauty in the cool breeze of a summer morning
Beauty in the fragrance of a rose it is adorning
Beauty in the sound of a child's laughter,
Beauty in the tears that come thereafter
There is beauty in mother's pie, of which we love
There is beauty in the heavens of our father above
Yes, beauty is not just nails and hair,
Beauty is God's creation, everywhere

Music
Music frees a trapped soul
Its melodies can comfort in times of sorrow,
The rhythm can lift a mourning heart
A song can express what you yourself cannot
And tell a story through the movement of notes
Music frees a trapped soul
Still music communicates to all
Yes, music frees a trapped soul
Music can free all souls.

My Imperfect Love
My love for God is hard to express.
He has saved me from myself and hell
Without Him, I would be a great mess,
But he has allowed me to shed my shell.

I love God with my entire being.
I love Him with song and words and movement.
I love Christ for the things I'm seeing,
And for allowing my great improvement.

But I am human and my love is flawed;
My love, unlike His, has imperfection.
His love makes up for mine, and I am awed,
And I can't help but show my affection.

I love my Savior with all my heart,
And I can't wait for eternity to start.

*I wrote this next poem late Christmas Eve and then read it in the morning to my family. They loved it so much that they insisted I read it when we go to both grandparents' houses for the entire families. I was so nervous as I read it, but it moved some family members to tears.*

The Meaning of Christmas (App. Age 12)

What is the meaning of Christmas?
Little kids may tell you
That it's about Santa Claus
And presents from him too.

Others may say it's all about
Having family and friends around
And love and peace and happiness
And joy to surround.

These things are all swell,
But let me just say,
They are not the true meaning of Christmas,
Of this glorious day.

The real meaning is this:
Christ, the Lord, maker of all,
Was born as flesh
Born in a stable or stall.

The beginning of His life,
Life on earth,
Was at this moment;
God's own birth.

And when you see a manger scene,
Also see Christ on a tree
Suffering for everyone
That one day we would be free.

Free from our sins,
All things we had done wrong,
And then you see the meaning
Of the angels' precious song.

This, I tell you, is the meaning of Christmas.

Easter (Age 9)
When we think of Easter,
We think of Easter eggs.
But when it passes by,
It's just nowhere in our heads.
So when you think of Easter,
Think of this, oh please do,
That Christ our Savior died,
But He rose for me and you.

The Curse of Those Who Care Too Much

I'm realizing this sounds like the stereotypical response to that old interview question "What is your greatest weakness?"
"I care too much, I work too hard, etc."
But I think this is a real issue in many cases.
See, I, like many others, am cursed with a deep sense of care for others. At many times, this is a blessing because it means I want to listen to others and help them with their problems; I care deeply about their well being and overall happiness. However, caring too much becomes a problem and there are several downsides.

First, for those of us who "care too much," we tend to think about how others think and feel more than most. This can lead to hyper-over-analysis (something I struggle with all too severely). I care about how people feel - are they comfortable, am I annoying them, are they happy - but mostly related selfishly to how they feel about me. Because of this, I usually end up analyzing every little thing and making a bigger deal of it than what's actually going on. I just want people to be happy. But little things that other people might not think of as important are noticed by someone who cares too much. We sense tiny cues that give us an insight into what that person is thinking, and, unfortunately, sometimes we over-exaggerate and fabricate these cues and their meanings in our heads.

Related to my first point, people who care too much are often very concerned with how people view them. It really boils down to an issue of insecurity. I know that I care far too much about what other people think of me. I wish I didn't care so much. I wish I could just say "I am who I am, and I don't care what anyone else says!" but I would by lying to myself. Because I seek the meaningless approval of others everyday. Those of us who care too much can easily become consumed and overwhelmed by the need to please others. While other people can simply just shake it off if they can't meet someone's needs, to someone who cares too much, it's a big deal. I really can't stand to let people down. It makes me feel like crap, and it really gets to me. Like at work (I work in retail), I deal with some very difficult and grumpy customers. If I can't find what they want or I see that they're unhappy, it affects me. I feel really bad like I've let them down. I wish I could just shrug and say "Well, I did my best and that's all I could do." but I always end up feeling like that's not good enough. For those of us who care too much, letting others down is heart-breaking and, at least for me personally, it affects us physically. When I've disappointed someone, I feel emotionally and physically drained. Not to mention, I reflect on the situation for far too long, trying to figure out what could have been done differently.

Lastly, one of the major downsides of caring too much is that you usually end up caring about someone more than they care about you. Now, that's not always the case, but it sure feels like it. 'Cause to someone who cares too much, no response to a text means "Oh my gosh, they hate me. I must have annoyed them. Do they even like me? I should just stop talking to them altogether." Haha, I know this seems ridiculous, but that's what goes on in my brain every time (Yay for that over-analysis!). Then again, this may just be me, but I have a feeling it's a struggle for many others. To me, when I meet someone I really care about, I want to know how they are emotionally and what's going on in their life. I always end up feeling like a nag by texting them too much, never really sure how they feel about me. And sometimes, caring about others more than they care about you is a really serious issue, because you never feel fully fulfilled (lol). Someone who cares too much will always feel like relationships are lopsided, even if they're not. And that's because a person who cares too much is going to spend a lot of time thinking about the other person, and will likely make an effort to let that person know. Whereas the other person might not show how much they care, leading the person who cares too much to think that the other doesn't care. The best thing for someone who cares too much to do is find another person who cares too much. Care too much about each other! Haha! And don't be blind to those around you who really do care about you. Just because you feel like you care more than them, doesn't mean that they don't care a whole lot about you. People just express their emotions differently. Don't let the curse of caring too much hinder the relationships you have, as well as potential relationships you've yet to engage in.

The plus-side of caring too much is that positive acts and words of encouragement mean far more than you could imagine! The little things are huge and it doesn't take much to positively influence someone who cares too much. So, for those of you who have that friend that always seems to over-analyze or nag you about how you feel, just remember that their intentions are never to annoy you or pry into your business. They just care deeply about you. You mean so much to them, so remember that what you say is very important, and a little love can go a long way :)